The Darn News

Gaia GPS = Great Maps

2009-09-29T19:57:00.003-04:00

Besides being a GPS recorder, the defining feature of Gaia GPS is great maps.

Gaia allows you to create iPhone offline maps for when you don't have an internet connection, including downloads of MyTopo maps of Canada and the United States (Gaia only on the iPhone).

Gaia GPS: The Best GPS iPhone App

2009-09-24T18:37:00.003-04:00

My most recent project has been Gaia GPS. It's an iPhone app that provides the ability to take GPS tracks, use topo maps online and off, and other cool features. I think it's the best GPS iPhone app.

The Personal Website of Andrew L Johnson

2009-07-14T18:55:00.002-04:00

If you want to follow my blog, please visit www.andrewljohnson.com. That's right folks, the personal website of Andrew L. Johnson. When you think andrewljohnson, this is the site for you. Just my ramblings on programming, hiking, games, and the like.

2009-05-04T15:49:00.001-04:00

Here are a few great places on my website, TrailBehind.com. TrailBehind helps people find great adventures outdoors.

Yosemite National Park

Allegheny National Forest

Tahoe National Forest

Joshua Tree National Park

Menounos Dazzles Baseball Fans with Hustle, Her Ass

2008-07-14T15:47:00.005-04:00

Fresh from scarring the Obama daughters for life, "Access Hollywood" reporter Maria Menounos appeared in the lineup at the All-Star Legends & Celebrity softball game on Sunday, observing what human simulacra outside the greater Los Angeles area refer to as "good-natured fun."

Congratulations are due, Maria, for being the prettiest member of this squad, no mean feat when Billy Baldwin is playing short. You looked "fan-tastic"! Nice job also in hitting for the cycle and stealing home twice. (Fine, so we didn't watch it. And? There was a goddamn Yankees game on.)

More here.

Spitzer, I hardly know her!

2008-03-11T11:04:00.000-04:00

Myron Cope Dies

2008-02-29T13:16:00.003-05:00

There will be no obituary because the grief is inexorable. Maybe later after a few Arn's.

WTAE has finally uploaded several of Myron's musical spoofs onto YouTube. In this video, Myron parodies the Macarena.

Bye now, Myron.

Horror Movie Seeks Fred Thompson Supporters

2008-02-26T11:53:00.003-05:00

It's been a while, jerks, but I'm back. Fahr'd up...mmm ready to go! The producers of a new horror flick have issued a general casting call for all inbreds, albinos, dysfunctionals, and freaks of nature. The directors of "Shelter," which stars Julienne Moore and will be filmed in Pittsburgh, want all local weirdos to play extras in the movie's West Virginia scenes. Think Deliverance.

Here's your money quote from local casting director Donna Belajac: "Some of these 'holler' people - because they are insular and clannish, and they don't leave their area - there is literally inbreeding, and the people there often have a different kind of look. That's what we're trying to get."

The casting call announcement points out the exact kind of freakish attributes that would qualify one for this glamorous role: "Extraordinarily tall or short. Unusual body shapes, even physical abnormalities as long as there is normal mobility. Unusual facial features, especially eyes."

Open Sewer

2008-02-25T10:04:00.004-05:00

Starting this spring, scientists will commence a study of bio-diversity and health in the Allegheny River. Cheers, sez this humble writer.

The Allegheny's biggest polluter isn't that generic sociopathic capitalist cursed by the POGgers over Old Germans at Gooskis. Nope, biggest criminal in the set is your local sanitation authority. During heavy rains, the City of Pittsburgh and small mom-and-pop sewer shops in Allegheny River towns flush your toilet straight into the drink, giving our rivers the distinctive color of a Starbucks Mocha Latte. We swim in it, fish in it, boat in it and drink from it. The left overs flow dahn the Ohio to St. Louis, where it's bottled as Budweiser Select. (rim shot!)

Over the past century of sewerage treatment, society has expanded its definition of acceptable treatment. Unfortunately, the same 120 year old sewer lines carry shit and storm from Victorian towns and city neighborhoods to aging '50s era treatment facilities. Sadly, not only are underground infrastructure and sediment tanks aren't the prize photo-op ribbon cutting for our myopic politicians, they're fantastically expensive. Absent Cholera or some other preventable water-borne illness, politicians facing criticism over the incredible cost of any such functional yet invisible project would much rather invest in a hockey arena while we plebs splash our summers away in our own filth.

Hopefully this study will commence a serious discussion about our sewer and water problems; and yes, spur investment in our deteriorating infrastructure. And no, we won't be able to chalk this up as an economic bonanza. Its just a necessity.

... and then they came for me.

2008-02-22T14:22:00.004-05:00

With all the bravado of a brittle old nun mumbling an endless stream of penance, the fatalists at the Post Gazette stroked a weak-kneed support of Onorato's Drink Tax. Their argument, "Tough it Out." In their best ruler rap across the knuckles, the smug PG sez that Onorato & Co., "...should have the foresight and fortitude to live with a difficult, imperfect and necessary action."

Thanks for the miserable world-view, PG. As if Pittsburgh didn't have enough fatalists, I have to hear you bastards crone on about the lack of a better option. Could you take the long-view and perhaps cite the inadequacy of property taxes, call for a restructuring of the Port Authority, or demand better options from the state? Nah, you offer St. Dan a cross on Calvary, promising the everlasting hymns of your myopic editorial staff will carry him to Heaven.

As if that weren't enough, you turn your miserable broadsides on Kennywood. Sway me with this kindergarten logic, '...everyone loves Kennywood and no one likes taxes. Pay your fair share Kennywood.' Following your logic that the park costs West Mifflin money, one would assume you would itemize the park's actual cost to West Mifflin. Nah, you assume the $1M + applicable property taxes cooked up by the lunch-pail accountants on WM Borough Council is fair. Good beggar's logic, whatever you got, that's what I need.

Fuck you, you lazy cowards. Perhaps it bears repeating that our broken governmental system and endemic sprawl is at the root of all these causes. But for fear of sounding like a broken record, you support the band-aids that keep this boat afloat, thereby tacitly endorsing the problem. As our government picks off segments of populations or industries in a Hayek-esque fleecing of the weak, you stand in strong support. I stand in strong support of a delivery tax on spineless newspapers.

"You Can Have It": A Poem

2008-02-07T14:23:00.000-05:00

a campaign lament by Blip Romney, guest blogger and seventh son of former presidential candidate Mitt Romney

My Dad comes home from the California primary
and climbs the stairs to one of our mansion's rooms.
I can hear the bed groan and his sensible Gucci shoes drop
one by one. You can have it, he says.

The moonlight streams in the window
and suddenly his unshaven face is whitened
like the face of the moon. He will sleep
long after noon and find me and Tagg gone.

Several administrations will pass
before I remember that moment when suddenly I knew
each man has one shot at playing to the crackpot base, one heart that always labors, hands yellow and cracked, a two-sided mouth that gasps for breath and asks, Am I gonna make it?

In the 2008 Republican primaries, developed
by the conservative establishment for the distant purposes
of Sean Hannity, no one cared about leadership,
no one needed a commander on the first day, or listened to Glen Johnson,

for there was no such year, and now
that year has fallen off all the old campaign blogs,
attack ads, and Bain Capital expense accounts.

I give you back 2008.
I give you back all the ludicrous promises and empty slogans
from that year to the coming inauguration. Give me back the moon
with its frail light falling across a face.

Give me back my Mitt, wonkish
and Rockefeller Republican, with a wide smile and a love
for Mormon Jesus and burning eyes that look upon
those presidential hopes and say, You can have it.

Jailhouse Rock

2008-02-05T10:20:00.000-05:00

Two "public servants" were charged yesterday with defrauding the good people of Pennsylvania. One indignant to the end, one squealing like a pig.

Twanda "Councilmatic" Carlisle demanded leniency from Judge John A Zottola, saying her 5 consecutive years of bilking the public were done in her "zealous" attempts to help her district. Economic development starts at home, sez a mink-clad Carlisle. Zottola was unimpressed, sentencing Carlisle to 2 years with the Commonwealth. She loses her pension, but will likely keep her $2,500 mink coat.

On the other side of the spectrum, Rep. Frank LaGrotta (D-Evans City) is squealing like a pig. Attorneys General in beautiful Harrisburg will allow LaGrotta to hide out at home because he has "...cooperated with several investigations by the attorney general's office." Which leads us back to Big Bill DeWeese and the legislative aide bonus scandal of 2006.

Sez the Lehigh Valley Political Blog regarding DeWeese's Bonus-Gate, Billy DeWeese is sailing on the river of denial. Sez the DarnNews, Billy DeWeese probably needs to take LaGrotta on a Big Pussey-esque sailing trip. Whether confident, or blissfully unaware, DeWeese may be the next one on his way to prison.

Friday Porn: Abbi Tatton Edition

2008-02-01T12:08:00.000-05:00

Abbi Tatton, Internets reporter and Albion-tongued CNN dream girl, you've touched our heart -- right after you touched our blog!

So there you are, dear reader: Multiple terrorist attacks have rocked the United States. A state of emergency has been declared. The blood-dimmed tide has been loosed in the mind of every citizen, who now expects the worst. Chaos reins.

Naturally, you will want to know how Daily Kos, Jeff Jarvis, and the Ron Paul Forum weighed in on this momentous event. But who the fuck has the time, right? Enter Abbi. This "Situation Room" contributor will stand in front of a giant plasma screen for you, confidently tapping shiny browser bars, or maximizing Web video of George Allen defending his law office's noose display. It's sorta-reporting at the speed of a T1 connection!

If you like your latest blog rants wrapped up in game-show-style delivery, then this sexy parajournalist eye candy will show you her Midas touch. Pat, The Darn News would like to solve the puzzle: "Investment in original reporting is dead."

Friday Porn: Chrystia Freeland Edition

2008-01-25T14:27:00.001-05:00

Now that's what we call a stimulus package!

Chrystia Freeland, US managing editor of the Financial Times, a pink (never pinko) British newspaper devoted to quaint terms like "sport," "pint," and "Tony Blair," has an adjustable rate The Darn News would like to fix. With recession bearing down on the US, who better to explain the current swales of the American stock market than a Canadian-born Ukrainian who writes for a broadsheet with its headquarters in London?

When regular economic forecasts don't have us dusting off our barrel-comically-attached-to-suspenders outfit and ducking inside the nearest Hooverville, Team DN enjoys Freeland's lucid take on the complex domestic monetary issues so essential to Paul Krugman's shrill career. Plus, in her TV appearances, she's usually wearing something plunging and/or leather.

"The future is now." "The world is flat." "Lead, follow or get out of the way." "He who smelt it, dealt it." It truly is a financial jungle out there, folks, but, luckily, there's hot broads like Chrystia Freeland to make sense of it all. Securitized mortgages may be opaque babble; hedge fund exchange-rate maneuverings a mystery to you and me; but, as long as attractive women continue to talk about the state of the market, we'll watch. Just that it has to air on network TV -- we're too fucking poor to pay next month's cable bill.

Draft the Romney Five

2008-01-23T15:36:00.000-05:00

Monday's "All Things Considered" had an Old Media-esque ditty about the children of our current Presidential Candidates. Frank Schaeffer, an Old Media tool, gave a commentary about the absence of presidential candidates' children in uniform. While the DN would prefer to give photo coverage to an attractive Meghan McCain over the horsefaced hybrid of Hill & Bill, a little narrative about Mr. Schaeffer's story is definitely worth space on our humble site as well.

The progeny of some potential Presidents show precious little interest in serving our country. Rather than spend the next 48 months in Baghdad, Chelsea Clinton opted for a six figure consultant job plus a few cameo appearances on Mom's campaign. The Clintons, remember, are disadvantaged outsiders. Mitt Romney's children work in varied forms of equally lucrative industry (Real Estate, Stocks, Etc.) while also workin the campaign trail. "Hittin doors! My kids are naturals," beams proud father Mitt. Huckabee's kids are too fat, John Edwards daughter is busy running a trendy internet site for recent relocatees to NYC. (Note: Obama's kids are still in diapers.)

The exception to this rule seems to be John McCain. The children of John McCain are either in, or are on their way to, Iraq. McCain's younger son is a Marine, the elder is at Annapolis. In a nod to our modern society, Mr. Schaeffer argues that though the McCain boys' service is laudable, each kid has the right to self-determination... you know, to choose between a posh job or a barracks in Anbar. But as I learned from a previous Senate Campaign in Virginia, for some the decision to go into the military isn't made at a High School counselors office. It is the centrality of honor and duty in one's life, inherited through generations, to forsake the trappings of privilege for tired ol' virtues like Country, Honor and Freedom. You know, all that shit spelled out in vulgar terms on the back of a Redneck's pickup truck.

Dated as those concepts may seem, it was a path followed by the children of every other wartime president. Eleanor Roosevelt said of her two children's heroic military service in WWII that her husband FDR, "...would have been terribly disappointed had they chosen not to serve." Lincoln's sole surviving son Robert served in the Civil War. Zach Taylor's only son fought in the Mexican American War and served again as a CSA General in the Civil War. Those whose children didn't serve simply weren't eligible. Wilson, Johnson & Truman fathered only daughters; JFK's kids, like Obama's, were babies.

We have the right to distinguish between the Gold Bars on the shoulders of McCain's sons' those in the bank accounts of Chelsea Clinton and the Romney Five. McCain's sons' service not only distinguishes their father, but highlights the mores and values that have, through succeeding generations, underpinned the leadership of our nation. We chose to ignore this fact when McCain squared off against the father of a pair of sodden sorority pledges. The apple don't fall far from the tree.

End of an Error

2008-01-22T18:39:00.000-05:00

Last July, coal-eyed Republicans worried that no candidate could unite their party’s chickenhawks, billionaires, and holy rollers. With no clear inheritor of the shining legacy of George W. Bush, Bill Frist, MD, exhumed and reanimated the corpse of Fred Thompson (1842-1920), a southern-fried Senator from McLean, Virginia. Thompson, who once filled in for the equally laconic Paul Harvey on the rad-eo, had the B-movie-star charisma that makes Republican women swoon. Not only was he imposing and craggier than a canyon, Thompson spoke plainly ... and with a drawl!

“Lil’ sumthin’ called federalism,” said Fred.

“Mmm-hmmm. He talk just like I think,” replied voter.

Establishment types went ga-ga for Fred. Wisely, they thought better than to nominate a candidate who might remind voters of the recent “unpleasantness” (2000-08). Thompson could position himself as a poorly traced copy of Ronald Reagan. How could he -- or the party-- lose?

It turns out that Thompson, whose campaign was aptly called “phlegmatic” by the liberal Jew York Times, hates people. At the Iowa State Fair, Fred’s idea of shaking hands and kissing babies meant donning his Gucci loafers, sportiest country club blazer, and riding around in a golf cart while nodding authoritatively at the mud farmers and butter cows who attend such events.

Fred, Team DN will miss your debate performances, especially. Who can forget how you spiked in the Luntz-O-Meter by pointedly interjecting a guttural throat-clearing? Or the time you embarrassed that nag of an editor from the Des Moines Register?

“No hand-raising.”

“We’re not raising hands today, Senator Thompson?”

“Mmm-hmmm.”

We can’t handle a weekend visit to our uncle’s Appalachia-paradise cabin (enough with the fart jokes, please), and, therefore, doubt that we could have endured four years of a Thompson administration. News conferences just shouldn’t be renamed “talks,” and there’s no reason why they have to be held on the White House’s front porch. The media all gather’d round, Injun-style, as Grampa Fred, situated in his hickory rocking chair, dispenses homespun wisdom about those queers getting hitched and the A-rabs blowin’ ‘emselves up?

Feh. No thanks.

However -- if Jeri Kehn Thompson wants to stroll into the media limelight once more, we won’t object.

Friday Porn: Meghan McCain Edition

2008-01-19T22:09:00.000-05:00

Want some Straight Talk about the race for the White House 2008? Hmmm? Here goes: Meghan McCain is gonna be the hottest First Daughter since Patti Davis.

On Saturday, by convincing several Republicans to actually vote for him, John McCain brought Team DN's collective wet dream one step closer to being realized. Meghan, for those uninitiated (or with lives of their own), is the Internets face of the John McCain for President campaign, with her personal blog, McCain Blogette. The site features pictures and playlists and videos and shit about makeup which we scrolled past and liberal use of the word "incredible." Meghan demonstrates a forthrightness on her blog that would make her old man proud and showcases enough primary colors in her wardrobe to make Karl Lagerfeld blush.

War hero dad, punkish fashion sense, a hipster's taste in music, basic command of the English language. What more do you need, America? In the remaining primary contests -- whether you live in New York, California, or even in one of the crap states -- The Darn News is encouraging you to vote for a Meghan McCain Whitehouse. So pull a lever, touch the appropriate screen, or merely trade your finest goose for a number of state delegates to be determined later, and give Senator John McCain the nomination, guaranteeing that even if our current War on Terror never ends, at least the music won't suck.

For Anonymous: Fair and Balanced Reporting on the Campaign Trail

2008-01-18T01:01:00.000-05:00

Here's a clip of Mitt Romney conducting a news conference in front of a pen rack at Staples because the toaster aisle at Bed Bath was closed for stocking. Romney takes a veiled swipe at McCain when he remarks that his campaign isn't run by Washington lobbyists. Romney then begins to argue with ~~Staples' printer salesman~~ the AP's Glenn Johnson, who interjects that one of Romney's senior advisors is, in fact, a Washington lobbyist.

Tune in to the most ridiculous press conference since Terrell Owens shot a fitness video in his driveway.

Will Reads the DN

2008-01-17T14:32:00.001-05:00

George Will reads the DN... or at least endorses the editorial rantings of Highland Ave. Will argues the only thing America should retain from the latter half of the 20th Century is the fashion sensibilities of an accounting office.

I'm inclined to agree, even if it means sacrificing the better candidate for a fresher one. I wouldn't have agreed with such an abstract concept had the Clintonistas not made it so tangible in the past few weeks.

Swiftboated

2008-01-16T09:53:00.000-05:00

Last night's Democratic Debate was a policy vacuum. Lacking any meaningful differences between the front runners, the Dem's decided to focus on the issues... namely, 1968. Last week, Gloria Steinem was exhumed in support of Hillary, right before Hil shot herself in the foot with this historic legacy of LBJ and MLK bullshit. She spent a good portion of the evening dancing around both issues while successfully avoiding anything substantive. John Edwards, recasting himself as RFK, turned every issue into his two America's theme... Lou Dobbs thanks you, John.

Over 50% of Americans were born after January 1, 1969, meaning we have no memory of this stuff. We don't care about John Kerry's Purple Heart or Sonni & Cher's dramatic marital collapse. We don't see glass ceilings, we don't remember Selma. Other than the Lou Dobbs crowd, there was remarkably little substance.

I have to thank Barack Obama for pushing past this crap. Even if he seems willing to let this banal MLK v. LBJ banter continue to cloud meaningful issues, his insights into problems in black America are much more meaningful than Hillary's historic semantics, and he rejects the idea that he is running as a 'black man' against a glass ceiling. If the Democratic Party wishes to make a fresh start, understanding that Selma is not the central issue in our rotting ghettos, and accepting the glass ceiling is an imaginary firmament would be two very good starting points. As experienced as Hillary is, I worry that her keen insights and experience were in a bygone era. That, plus the considerable baggage that comes with her experience, might be a liability.

Its really time to put the 1968-obsessed 90's era of the Democratic Party to bed. How better than a vote for Obama.

You're welcome Drew.

Stop All Your Bitchin...

2008-01-10T16:22:00.000-05:00

Has Gloria Steinem finally been proven irrelevant? Fooled by the pundits and pollsters that prematurely called New Hampshire for Obama, she wrote some screed about women never getting ahead. Check it, you ideology is tired. Further, in the wake of New Hampshire, it seems you're on the wrong side of the facts as well.

According to Ms Steinem, "This country is way down the list of countries electing women and, according to one (unnamed) study, it polarizes gender roles more than the average democracy." Think its tough getting past a stigma in politics, Gloria, try being an atheist.

Steinem's article conveniently ignores the hundreds of influential women who have shattered any glass ceiling in America. She even overlooks her own success as Emperor of the Galactic Empire (pictured right) in her attempt to paint America in its old, bigoted contexts. Really, Gloria, let the 60's go.

Hopefully the ultimate outcome of this most diverse of elections will be the realization that if a black man can win Iowa, and a woman can be President of the United States, that we really don't need diversity coordinators at our Universities contriving grievances and emphasizing the (typically superficial) differences between us. We don't need pundits or politicians boiling our complexity into generic genders or races. We don't need the Jesse Jacksons and Al Sharptons telling us to feel guilty about something, and we sure as hell don't need Gloria Steinem anymore.

Signs of Desperation in Romney's Campaign

2008-01-07T20:52:00.000-05:00

MANCHESTER, NH - Flip Romney's supporters yank out McCain yard signs near a Flip event in New Hampshire today. I took an evening stroll by Romney's headquarters on Elm Street. I had to peer between the 4' by 8' Mitt signs hanging in the display windows to view an unhurried gaggle of aging male supporters. A few members of the ~~Hitler Youth~~ College Republicans were loitering.

Unless Romney outsources his phone bank to India (or there's a call center hidden from the sidewalk), the total number of supporters could not have been more than 25. Compare that to McCain's bustling Manchester hive, where 50 supporters pound every phone line.

McCain has been leading Romney the last two weeks in the Real Clear Politics average. However, he hasn't added to what is a 4-6 point lead. Romney could be closing the gap with the immigration issue. We'll know tomorrow.

Dispatch from Granite State: Hillary Cries, Romney Dies?

2008-01-07T13:57:00.001-05:00

MANCHESTER, NH - I recently opined that Mitt Romney was the establishment candidate, embracing conservative positions on social, economic, and military policy. I was wrong. Romney is the candidate of change!

At the debates and campaign appearances, Romney has portrayed himself as the Washington outsider. Only a governor from beyond the Capitol Beltway - presumably one who possesses management acumen - can repair Washington.

As Rudy Calzoni sez, "the reality is" Romney would be a "feckless administrator" (credit Govt. Issue). Romney would encounter a Democratic Congress that would be anathema to the promises he has made to the GOP base. There would be no deportation of illegal immigrants, appointment of strict constructionist judges (ugh), or increase in military spending that would be presumably used to fund prolonged expeditions in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Given that it's unlikely Romney would be elected with an overwhelming popular vote, he would could not claim a public mandate. And if he were to find common ground with the Democrats, he could expect the kind of severe excoriation from the base that doomed Bush 41.

This may be a change election, but there is still a war going on. And despite recent polls indicating a spike in ambivalence about Iraq - Americans will have to consider whether they want another B-School administrator or a war-time President. John McCain is that man of honor.

Friday Porn: Fine Friel Fox's New Folderol

2008-01-05T20:02:00.000-05:00

Fox News Channel's latest -- what? anchor? reporter? shot girl? -- is garnering big ratings for the soft-core-pornography-and-swooshing graphics outift owned by Rupert Murdoch. Courtney Friel, late of the World Poker Tour (not quite the CSJ, but whatever), has rocketed to the top of the cable network's stable of hot, unavailable women.

Friel, 27, is a former swimsuit model and, according to one Fox News executive, "Although Courtney has been here for just a short time, her positive attitude and willingness to help out on any shift is very much appreciated."

Good enough for us! Courtney makes her debut as a regular contributor this weekend, so do check her out if you enjoy superficial news coverage and generous, fabric-degrading cleavage.

Living In Iowa Again Briefly Meaningful

2008-01-04T15:43:00.000-05:00

Caucus, you wonderful hillbillies, caucus!

The Darn News would like to thank all the hicks, rubes, old-timey country folk, dirtballs, and ethanol lobbyists who hitched up their pet hogs and participated in the Iowa caucuseseses yesterday. Below, please find our official roundup of the night's Winners and Losers. It's almost like being in Iowa -- if for some terrifying fucking reason you'd actually want to visit that shit-splat state. Viva unity.

Winners: change, Christian hysterics, liberal guilt, white people, antiquated voting procedures, Jesus Christ, corn, jawbonin', butter cows, butter-cow endorsements, mesmeric cross symbolism, John McCain.

Losers: The Establishment, Washington punditry, reason & good sense, switchgrass, Ron Paul ('natch), Mormon tolerance, butter bulls, secret balloting, foreign policy, the state of New Hampshire, Joe Biden (again), triangulatin', HDL cholesterol, and fake experience.

Live Free or Go F*** Yourself: Dispatch from the Granite State

2008-01-03T20:37:00.000-05:00

MANCHESTER, NH - Mitt Romney's support - soft like the frigid morning fog that blankets this state - just dissipated. Romney's millions ($6 million on television advertisements) could only buy him a second-place finish in Iowa.

Romney's strategy required early peripatetic victories before February 5 that his campaign could then string together to coalesce Republicans nationally.

Despite his moderate record as governor of Massachusetts, Romney positioned himself as the GOP's standard bearer: a moneyed, xenophobic conservative scared of catching the Gay.

Unfortunately for Romney, he's none of those things. And the Reagan coalition is dead. Voters of all political persuasions are pissed. Thus, establishment candidates like Romney (and to an extent Clinton) will lose early to candidates whose supporters are with the most fervent. Today, the Huckster's bible-bees delivered him 45 delegates. But there will be no significant bounce for Huckabee; McCain will win New Hampshire handily. And Huckster lacks the national exposure or infrastructure, which Romney had begun putting into place, to secure the GOP nomination.

A New Hampshire victory doth not a presidency make. McCain needs Thompson to drop out and throw his support to the Maverick in South Carolina. McCain then takes a strong second-place showing he can use to defeat Rudy in Florida. If not, this race goes on.

You heard it here first dear reader. Off the record. On the Q.T. And very * hush * hush *

Top Five Pittsburgh Sports Talk Jocks

2007-12-31T15:26:00.000-05:00

Our dear friend the Duke (of Dukes Court) posts the top-five Pittsburgh sports blatherskites. As John McCain might say, "Check it out, jerks."

Party Like its 1981!

2007-12-31T09:34:00.000-05:00

In commemoration of the last day of 2007, the Dee-N presents King Cool himself, Donnie Iris. There is better way to celebrate Picksburghers' continuing embrace of the traditionalist thinking that has debilitated the region than this 1981 performance by Mr. Iris and his band, the Cruisers. Back in '81, the Steelers were only one year removed from Super Bowl ring number four, 'ahrns on tap were tax-free, and a baby Mayor-to-be hadn't yet crafted any back room deals or taken any SUV rides.

Luckily for those still left in town, Donnie Iris' tunes still hold up after nearly three decades. Love, like the brains of Allegheny County's Democratic Party voters, is indeed like a rock.

Friday Porn: Another Wasted Year! Edition

2007-12-28T13:17:00.000-05:00

So this is the new year/and I don't feel any different. We're not certain of the band that wrote those words, but there's a good chance they were sensitive young men who probably wore their neckties ironically.

What does 2008 have in store for The Darn News? Well, for one, it's gonna get a lot lousier. Sorry about that. We're also hoping to move away from our usual blend of original reportage and local news analysis and embrace a less-nuanced approach focused more on making fun of other people and crudely objectifying women we will never meet. And politics -- there'll be some jokes about politics also.

Let's be frank: None of the past year's success could have been possible without you, the reader. Your dedication to flat, obvious blog humor, combined with a reluctance to accomplish anything of merit at your own meager jobs, have boosted our traffic to numbers rivaling 10 or 12 of the best Web sites dealing with Pittsburgh-centric marginalia updated once a day. Thank you. While we're still a long way from the kind of great writing you'd expect from a wordsmith like Perez Hilton or Arianna Huffington or whoever the fuck edits Fleshbot, we think 2008 is going to be our most literary yet. It'll be so smart; it'll be like visiting a liberry from your Internets computer machine.

So farewell, aught seven. We're going to miss your vicious tiger maulings, steroid scandals, dog-fighting scandals, attempted-gay-sex-in-a-public-restroom scandals, and relentless media consolidation. You've taught us that, just when you think America has reached its cultural nadir, someone in Hollywood will produce Delta Farce or give a Chinese dwarf her own bi-sexual dating show. It's sad to say goodbye, but have no fear, 2007. Team DN has a distinct feeling about this one: we only part to meet again.

Christmas with the Cranks

2007-12-26T12:54:00.000-05:00

The DN's favorite wassailer and silver-tongued insult factory, Christopher Hitchens, participated in a "secular Christmas party" with Reason magazine staff and all their anarcho-capitalist buddies last week.

The Hitch read aloud Tom Lehrer's droll "Christmas Carol" following a drink-soaked comic rant against department-store holiday displays and North Korean totalitarianism. Christopher, we love you, but stick to defending unwinnable wars and using your Oxford education to debate Fox News pundits on "Hannity's Fortress America" or whatever zip code his show calls home. If you intend to do comedy, next time put "Blue Collar" in front of it. After all, you're an American now.

Merry X-mas.

Tancredo Reluctantly Calls Off Insane, Single-Issue Bid for Ultimate Power

2007-12-21T12:20:00.000-05:00

Well, that's the end to the physical integrity of the United States: Tom Tancredo's out of the presidential race.

We're left with candidates who refuse to secure our borders, cultivate sanctuary cities, and favor handing over our daughters to MS13. Or something along those lines.

Congressman Tancredo, from your all friends at the DN, we wish you and that incredibly porous border fence a happy and healthy holiday season. Feliz Navidad!

Top Ten Tarts of Pittsburgh in 2007

2007-12-18T17:05:00.001-05:00

It's hard to believe that Boyz of the Dee-N have been objectifying women since catching our respective fathers reveling in the misogyny of the Morton Downey Jr. Show. So, Ladies of Pittsburgh, here is our ode to you. Thanks for the memories. We cherish them almost as much as our collection of PFAs.

Honorable Mention

PittGirl - Notwithstanding your classy silhouette (now found on T-shirts), we cannot in good conscience add you to our list because no photo exists.

10. Danielle Golden / Kristin Georgi
PRO: will do anything for money
CON: skin an extra-crispy lacquer from years of cheap tanning

We hardly knew ye, Kristen Georgi, before fat billionaire Joe Hardy found a new Fayette County concubine who could empty his bedpan and nod impassively while he blathers on about how jazz was never the same after Max Roach or some crap. Slutitude advantage: Danielle Golden. Congratulations, gals. We just added a good five seconds to your fifteen minutes.

9. Erin Ravenstahl
PRO: twinkly eyes, attractive smile
CON: married dumbest person in her high-school class

Erin has been hitched to child emperor and current mayor Lukie Ravenstahl since she was barely legal. Otherwise, this blonde bombshell with the priceless smile would just be another tart rejecting our suave maneuvers on the dance floor of Prive.

8. Leslie McCombs
PRO: MILF, lobbyist
CON: willing to sleep with Ed Rendell to get Potato Patch fries named the state food

This former Pittsburgh newztart made for titillating gossip fodder in Harrisburg after a Republican senator announced he was hiring a private investigator to examine Mrs. McCombs relationship with Governor Soprano. Henry Kissinger used to say power was the ultimate aphrodisiac. This is what people must tell themselves right before they're forced to schtupp a bean bag.

7. Brandi Engel
PRO: young, fresh actress
CON: soon-to-be old, embittered ex-actress

Mt. Lebanon native Brandi had a bit role in a mindless miniseries on ~~Cock~~ Spike TV about villainous -- yet absolutely adorable -- sea monkeys who rob a bank in Pittsburgh ... or something. Doesn't matter: The point is Brandi's Hollywood star is sure to rise. That, or she gets a coke problem. We wish you well, Brandi!

6. Missy Peregrym
PRO: fully posable
CON: did the horizontal end-zone dance with ~~Steely McBeam~~ Ben Roethlisberger

Missy is also a bit actress -- she played a gymnast in some movie with one of the Bridges (we're guessing it was Lloyd) -- but she made the Fab Ten because she dated the Stillers' QB. How's it feel to have Lloyd Bridges' sloppy seconds, Big Ben?

5. Sally Wiggin
PRO: Professional, widely respected journalist
CON: No discernible negatives

Before there was Sonni Abatta, there was Sally Wiggin. No Pittsburgh newzbabe is as good-natured and conversant as Sally. Unfortunately, she may be an android.

4. Julie Stimmel
PRO: college degree, willing to sleep with younger men

CON: sexually preys on vulnerable students, regards calculus as practical

Stimmel, a former North Allegheny High School English teacher, gave extracurricular lessons to one of her students, with her mouth. Although the Darn News applauds her efforts with a gold star, even Mrs. Stimmel couldn't make Last of the Mohicans readable.

3. Becky Emmers
PRO: has a great rack
CON: has dated Yuri Demetris

The only thing that captivated us more than 2 Girls, 1 Cup, was 2 Girls, 1 Video Blog. No offense meant to the lovely and talented Ashley DiParlo, but the other half of the Links N'@ tandem shares the same zeitgeist as the DN. Becky Emmers has a flawless hourglass figure that's made the DN boyz avid viewers of her train-wreck segment on WTAE's Internets site, Links N'@. We're especially fond of Becky because she seems the kind of party girl who just can't pass up $1 well drinks at Matrix. N'at.

2. Danika Wukich
PRO: wears sex-me boots
CON: spins the newz for Boy Mayor

Smart, sexy, and not afraid to wear stripper heels to a press conference. Wukich was the campaign spokescandy for Boy Mayor Ravenstahl. Danika, with an ass like that, you can spin us right round all day long.

1. Sonni Abatta
PRO: stunningly gorgeous, glanced toward us in college
CON: works for Old Media in an increasingly democratized, New Media age which stresses alternative information sources and audience engagement; won't flash her viewers

No list of the Burghosphere's hottest celebs would be complete without the Pride of CMU's humanities college, Sonni Abatta. After an all-night bender, we stumble into our cold, filthy apartment to warm the cackles of these lonely hearts with your sweet visage on KDKA's morning news. Your wine-red lips and come-hither eyes speak only to Team DN. They say, "By the order of Criminal Court of Allegheny County, you may not be within 1,500 feet of Ms. Abatta."

Fat Man With His Kids and Dog ...

2007-12-17T14:00:00.001-05:00

Merry Christmas and Happy Jewish Thing from the Huckabooms!

Matt Drudge has typo in headline

2007-12-16T22:34:00.000-05:00

Matt Drudge is slipping. I found this typo in a headline on his lousy news aggregator.

Friday Porn: Update Cara Behm (photo)

2007-12-14T11:53:00.000-05:00

The Good Doctor has reservations about posting the most delectable photos of Cara Behm, the 26-year skank from Vermont who desecrated a Mt. Washington overlook with her graffiti 'tag'. Doctor Yunzer doesn't want to give Behm any more exposure than he is required to by law (Yes, people, publication of the Dee-N is mandated by Commonwealth fiat). While I agree that this (attention) whore should receive no more Internets publicity, I'm a sucker for revealing images.

Here's our fav from Cara's myspace profile.

Friday Porn: The taggable Cara Behm

2007-12-14T00:26:00.000-05:00

The Redd Up campaign has spread to the Internets, where MySpace users helped Pittsburgh Police nab a Grandview Avenue graffiti artist. Cara Behm, 26, of Vermont, spray-painted a plaque at the famed overlook. She then posted pictures of her misdeed on her personal site. Now, Behm faces a criminal mischief charge.

The offending pictures are not accessible at MySpace. However, some other pictures posted on a MySpace homepage show a more revealing side of of Cara than her signature graffiti imprint:

Ron Cook and Gene Collier said NO to drugs

2007-12-13T23:35:00.000-05:00

With the Internet teeming with news of the publication of the Mitchell Steroid Report, the primary focus of news coverage has been the names of the players confirmed to have links to steroids and Human Growth Hormone:

Kevin Young, how could you? Say it ain't so, Josias Manzanillo!

Easily overlooked is Mitchell's citing of local baseball columnists across the country who sensed the taint of steroids in baseball long before Congressional investigations. None other than the Post-Gazette's Gene Collier is the first to be recognized:

In March 1992, Pittsburgh columnist Gene Collier addressed the perception that baseball was not a sport for steroids users. Collier derided the suggestion that the game of baseball “is simply too complex to be positively augmented by some injectable.”

The report goes on to recount the details of a Ron Cook column a few years later:

In a July 1996 article in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, Ron Cook analyzed the possible explanations for the season of dramatic power hitting. Among other possible reasons, Cook wrote: “There are other factors, to be sure. Hitters are bigger and stronger. (Can you say steroids, ladies and gentlemen).”

The Dee-N congratulates Collier and Cook, who have penned away for years with none of the national recognition that some of their more charismatic brethren receive. Their ability to forsee the incoming influx of performance enhancers into the national pastime is impressive. No Tribune-Review columnists are cited in the Mitchell Report, lending no credence to the rumors that steroids era was a Clintonian ploy to mask then-President Bill's Oval Office misdeeds.

S. Korean Glo-cats: Delicious, Incandescent Affronts to God's Heavenly Design

2007-12-13T12:09:00.000-05:00

Before the Bush Administration freedomizes Iran, they may want to return their attention to the Korean peninsula where nuclear tensions seem to have tightened.

President Bush recently sent a personal letter to Kim Jong-Il, reminding him of the deadlines for nuclear disarmament that were agreed upon at the September 2005 six-party talks.

South Korea, presumably worried that Kim Jong-Il cannot be trusted, has already responded. Scientists there have cloned a glow-in-the-dark kitty cat.

Before pro stem-cell research activists demand the federal government restore funding for the lite-brite ferret, they may want to recall that South Korean scientists have a less than honest record on cloning.

You Must Be At Least This Caliente to Ride the Gravi-whirl

2007-12-12T14:53:00.000-05:00

We kicked its ass in 1898; now Spain's exacting her revenge where it hurts most: on the soft underbelly of our strategic funnel cake reserve.

Kennywood Park, for more than 100 years a Pittsburgh-based amusement destination for sexual predators and sexual prey alike, was sold to Parques Reunidos of Madrid on December 11 for approximately $200 million, reports the local fish wrap.

In addition to the hilarious names of its founders (F.W. Henninger and A.S. McSwigan) and the ironic year of its founding (1898 [!]), parent company Kennywood Entertainment has also been blessed with some of the most adorably inept p.r. flacks this side of Fred Thompson For President.

When asked if the park would change under the new owners, public relations director Mary Lou Rosemeyer said:

"The park's going to continue to be what it is, what we all love. We don't expect to see any changes. We don't think it's going to become a giant taco stand."

C'mon, Mary Lou. Tacos are Mexican, not Spanish. Kennywood Park is obviously doomed to become a sprawling tapas bar with a Go-Kart track circling its multiple bull fights.

Comment of the Day

2007-12-12T14:40:00.000-05:00

This one comes from Reason's "Hit & Run" blog:

On Mike Huckabee's insane statement that "I think we ought to be out there talking about ways to reduce energy consumption and waste. And we ought to declare that we will be free of energy consumption in this country within a decade, bold as that is," commenter "Pro Libertate" responded:

Fools! Huckabee is positioning himself as the entropy candidate!

Funny AND educational. You're welcome, nerds.

Friday Porn: Nobody Puts Sonni in a Corner Edition

2007-12-07T15:03:00.000-05:00

Sonni Abatta: impossibly attractive, Pittsburgh native, and born to dance.

Even though she totally blew us off while we were undergrads at CMU -- seriously, how many times can a person shampoo her hair in a week? -- Sonni has emplaced herself in the hearts and minds of Team DN.

That's why we find Sonni news so irresistible, such as this appearance at a celebrity dance competition to raise money for juvenile diabetes. The video features the KDKA anchor samba-ing up a storm with a yinzer Nureyev dressed up like Zorro. Jerk.

'Slam Dunk's to Touchdowns at the CIA

2007-12-05T13:19:00.000-05:00

Two things spymaster-in-chief Michael Hayden loves: not torturing people and rooting for the Pittsburgh Steelers.

In between ordering the simulated drowning of American prisoners and coordinating with the NSA to intercept my Skype messages, General Hayden can be found plopped in front of the TV like the rest of Stiller Nation, reports Washington Whispers. Curious; given their black-ops play-calling methods, the DN assumed he'd be a New England Patriots kind of cat. Wrong again, GovtIssue.

Wanna Watch a Model Get Chop-Blocked?

2007-12-05T11:32:00.000-05:00

By a snowboarder no less. Ah, random physical violence: the blogger-asshole's tonic. Enjoy, jerks:

Serious Post of the Day: Slumlord Series

2007-12-04T10:11:00.001-05:00

Pittsburgh area slumlords arrived en masse at City Hall yesterday in opposition to an 'anti-slumlord' bill proposed by Mayor Luke. The bill would hold the slumlord accountable for his/her noxious tenants by levying fines or criminal penalties. The slumlords plead mercy; they can't be held accountable for the behavioral dispositions of a crack-whore tenant. Hell, look at it as providing a public service. They're like the Housing Authority! Providing half-way housing between jail and rehab. They deserve a break!

Drug dealing is the landlord's problem. So are pugnacious tenants who cage-fight on the front porch, or run impromptu heroin galleries in the kitchen, or let their children vandalize the neighbors' cars. Its the landlord's problem because these are all evictable offenses. In fact, by not doing anything, the landlord is supporting this behavior.

But rather than screen tenants for police records or bad credit, rather than evict the crack-whore for disruptive behavior, rather than confront the nightmare that is their property, they cash that Section 8 rent check and turn a blind eye while their toothless crack-whore tenant gums some hood's dick in the alley behind their building... and hell, your East Liberty slum isn't within earshot of your Squirrel Hill estate, is it Bernard Sobol!

But Section 8 always pays on time.

Patience D. Isaacs and Kevin James Dixon: Mayoral Material?

2007-12-03T20:49:00.000-05:00

They're going to have a hard time hiding this one for two years. In the most prominent Heinz Field arrest since then-Councilman Luke Ravenstahl shoved a police officer on Halloween in 2005, alleged identity thieves Patience D. Isaacs and Kevin James Dixon were apprehended at Monday's Steeler game. Acting on a tip, the FBI, along with Allegheny County Sherrifs and Steelers Security, apprehended the pair with nachos and beer in hand. The two are currently being held in the Allegheny County Jail. No information has been released regarding the fate of their unconsumed Yuengling.

Yunzer pride should be swelling today as Isaacs and Bradley chose Pittsburgh and Heinz Field as the destination for the dispensation of their alleged illicit earnings. The two put their personal freedom at risk to be, at least temporarily, a part of the Stiller Nation. In regards to the intelligence of blabbing about going to the Stiller game while on the lam, the two demonstrated that their intellect does not rise above that of the towel-waving, water-logged, beer-soaked faithful who packed the stadium last night.

The appearance of Isaacs and Dixon at Heinz Field is probably just coincidence, anyway. With warrants out for their arrests and criminal charges pending, they were more likely in town to cheer on the team that they can most identify with: the Cincinnati Bengals.

Monday Porn: Post-Rushdie Padma

2007-12-03T13:55:00.000-05:00

We hope our reader(s) will forgive the tardiness of this post, since your humble blogger was having a beer or twelve Friday night and lapsed in his duty as resident skin merchant. Friday Porn will return to its normal slot later this week. Now then:

Padma Lakshmi, free of husband, novelist, and jihad target Salman Rushdie, is a woman on the move. She has a new cookbook or something out, hosts a show nominally about cooking, and now heats up the tabloid pages, where she is often displayed in various stages of canoodle. (Disclaimer: In New York Tabloid World, the term "canoodling" is liberally employed to mean anything from dry-fucking in public to attending the same fundraiser at the Javits Center.)

Lakshmi is one spicy bowl of fish curry, no doubt, but can she pick up the pieces of her life and turn her stunning good looks into a career richer than merely serving as arm candy for the guy who wrote "Midnight's Children"? Vanity Fair wonders here. We at the DN have our doubts. After all, can the dreadfully serious America of 2007 welcome into its popular entertainment a leggy ectomorph of exotic beauty with a history of attaching herself to famous men? The suspense is killing us!

Bill O'Reilly and ALF: What the liberals don't want you to see

2007-12-02T22:03:00.000-05:00

One is an inhuman creature, of unknown origin, known for clogging the airwaves and appealing to the most numb-brained Americans.

The other is ALF. (This post practically blogs itself!)

FoxNews' continuing refusal to actually report news has allowed for the comeback of the 80s TV icon. In this clip, ALF spars with Bill O'Reilly over the cancellation of his namesake sitcom and his activities over the past twenty years. O'Reilly even manages to work in a montage of pictures with ALF and FoxNews' favorite celebutard, Paris Hilton. At the end of the clip, O'Reilly states that ALF may return to FoxNews to do some punditry of his own. No word on why Bill O'Reilly and FoxNews are so accepting of an illegal alien as to invite him back to the news channel of real Americans.

As we wait for ALF to show his papers, the Dee-N proposes the following topics for future ALF commentaries:

Are there liberals on the planet Melmac?

Is Hillary Clinton an alien?

Should alien-human marriage be legalized?

Has the government done enough to protect puppets from al Qaeda?

Skybus: A Genuine, Bona fide, Electrified...

2007-12-02T21:40:00.000-05:00

A rush hour spent crawling down McKnightmare Road or the Parkway East can transform even the most placid of Pittsburgh drivers into a violent, screaming, first base-stealing maniac. As gridlock prevails and mass transit continues to die a slow, painful death in Allegheny County, the magic of the Internets allows us to take a look back at what might have been.

The late 1960s saw the Westinghouse Corporation create the Skybus rapid-transit system. The proposed system of rubber-tired vehicles running along an elevated rail track would have been able to operate at high speed and would have had the flexibility to allow for additional cars to be deployed in periods of high demand. Like any innovative, modern idea in the Steel City, Skybus failed to materialize, as change-fearing trolley fanatics had their way, halting construction on the system. The trolley system instituted after Skybus' failure has been since replaced current Light Rail System, a (for the most part) single line crawl of workaday Yunzers in and out of the South Hills.

Decades later, the system is alternately seen as an innovative idea that was a victim of local politics and a false hope that only Lyle Lanley could have foisted upon Allegheny County. The only appearance of Skybus in Pittsburgh was a demonstration track built at the South Park fairgrounds. The Skybus technology lives on today in the form of airport people-movers. Luckily, the whimsy of the Skybus test track has been preserved on film and posted on Youtube:

Perhaps it's for the best that Skybus never materialized. After all, the Allegheny River Chunnel would be pointless without a Light Rail system for schlepping Yunzers to Heinz Field. And you can't turn down $500 million in federal money.

NFL Players and Guns: A Novel Pairing

2007-11-26T15:56:00.000-05:00

You know what sucks about stalking defenseless animals in the woods with firepower that would make a Mujahideen shudder? No Stillers.

What's the only way that a Sunday afternoon swilling 'ahrn and watching Big Ben could be improved? Guns, of course.

Thankfully, WTAE has created the perfect celebration of the first day of hunting season and the Steelers' appearance on Monday Night Football. "Go Hunting with the Steelers" is downright porny in its mash-up of two Pittsburgher pursuits, combining the men who enact fun ritualistic violence on their opponents every week with the sport of bringing the pain to Western Pennsylvania's wildlife. It's too bad that they have to wear Browns colors while out on the hunt.

From the looks of WTAE's promo, the players involved have plenty of experience with firearms. But who is the Dee-N kidding? Based on the fact that they play in the NFL, the players have plenty of experience with firearms. Too bad the Black and Gold didn't pick up Tank Johnson.

This story was written before Redskins safety Sean Taylor was critically injured by a bullet fired by a home intruder last night.

'Hit' Piece

2007-11-26T13:12:00.000-05:00

On fine newsstands everywhere, the latest Newsweek magazine profiles presidential candidate Rudolph GIULIANI and casts stark light on his formative years as an Italian-American student, Italian-American son, and Italian-American stereotype.

Of note to DN readers: 1) In addition to having a scary foreign last name, Rudy GIULIANI listened to opera with other swarthy, meatball-sucking Mediterranean-types while attending high school in Brooklyn. (Brooklyn? That's in New York!!!!)

2) Did you know that Rudy GIULIANI is collaterally related to people reputedly linked to the mob in some fashion? I did; all Italian Americans are natural criminals who enjoy nothing so much as cheating the system and fire-bombing the homes of those who question their methods.

3) Despite a record of prosecuting Mafia leaders and breaking the back of New York City's criminal rackets, Rudy GIULIANI secretly intends to hand over the country to La Cosa Nostra once elected. The United States will be renamed "Heeey, Shutta You Face Town" and will be presided over by a revolving door of subliterate dagos and wops, starting with Supreme Court justices Antonin Scalia and Samuel Alito, as well as the former Joint Chiefs Chairman, General Peter Pace.

Bravo, Newsweek! Your unbiased klatch of WASP writers and straight-shooting editors has once again ensured that the presidential winner of 2008 will re-confirm the highest standards of eighteenth-century race theory and irrational xenophobia.

Things To Hate #420: The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette's Caption Contest

2007-11-19T00:52:00.000-05:00

"Bad dog! Next time, bring both slippers and my newspaper. You know, the one with the awful Caption Contest on page A-2."

Dear Reader,

Your help is urgently needed. Together, we can inundate the editors of the PG with hate-filled e-mails about their lousy, unfunny caption contest. For fifteen months, the page 2 editors have published the lame and dated one-liners of illiterate yunzers.

This must end, if only for to save the integrity of page-2 neighbor Brian O'Neill.

I once had high hopes for the Caption Contest. A year and a half ago, I opened my Sunday newspaper with expectations of merriment and joviality. Sadly, the Caption Contest has run its course. The talented merry pun-sters of Pittsburgh have eschewed the Caption Contest and now add their unfunny remarks to blogs like this one.

Their departure has left a void in the Caption Contest, which has been filled by the following losers:

EARL L. BROWN, MORNINGSIDE

BRIAN AGNEW, HERMITAGE

CELIA BARLOW, SHALER

MIKE FOLEY, SHALER

HARLAN CLARE, ROSS

RON GAUPIN, NEW KENSINGTON

MOLLY HELLMAN, EAST LIBERTY

JANE PHILLIPS, McMURRAY

Friday Porn: Fox News Porn

2007-11-16T14:24:00.000-05:00

Blogs to Waste Your Time Today

2007-11-16T14:00:00.000-05:00

Hot Chicks with Douchebags

Men Who Look Like Old Lesbians

Mustaches of the Nineteenth Century

You're welcome, a-hole.

Hey, Frank LaGrotta: Keep a Bed Warm for Bill DeWeese

2007-11-15T09:06:00.000-05:00

I'm an avowed ageist. I believe people over the age of 35 should be restricted from forwarding emails and should be prohibited from operating a cell phone while driving. For more evidence that the middle-aged have little concept of how the internets work, see the case of deposed state representative Frank LaGrotta.

State prosecutors are charging LaGrotta with two felony counts of violating the state's conflict of interest law. It seems LaGrotta added his sister to the state payroll for a sinecure position, then back-dated her start date so they could receive lump sum payments of $19,329. He also hired his niece, Alissa Lemmon, whom work sparingly before leaving for an secretarial post at the Pittsburgh Visitors and Convention Bureau.

Here's the most memorable exchange between LaGrotta and his niece:

In a series of e-mails on Jan. 18, 2006, grand jurors found Mr. LaGrotta explaining a state check Ms. Lemmon received after leaving state employment. Mr. LaGrotta later told investigators the exchange was an attempt at humor, an explanation the grand jury rejected.

"Did you ever figure out the paycheck thing?" Ms. Lemmon wrote her uncle.

"They kept you on benefits through Jan. 31 and mistakenly kept you on payroll. Just keep it. They don't want back," Mr. LaGrotta replied.

Ms. Lemmon: "Well, isn't that nice of them :)."

Mr. LaGrotta: "You may get one more too!"

Ms. Lemmon: "Isn't this illegal? Not that I'm complaining!!!"

Mr. LaGrotta: "Not illegal. Mistake. You can pay it back if you choose -- but no one here is asking that. Besides, it is like your severance pay."

Ms. Lemmon: "Eh -- works for me!!!!!"

'Niece' to know ya, Frank. Keep a bed warm in Western Pen for Billy DeWeese!

Tancredo: Because There's No Hope

2007-11-14T11:27:00.000-05:00

Congressman Tom Tancredo has created a stir with his first and last ad, a Jerry Bruckheimer thriller his flacks have labeled "Before It's Too Late." See the commercial that's recently been flagged by YouTube as "desperate":

Friday Porn: Irrational Exuberance Over Fox's Money Honeys

2007-11-09T11:37:00.000-05:00

Can there be anything sexier than unattainable women talking about obscene wealth while putting a positive spin on exchange-draining trade deficits? Fox Business Network, a joint venture between Rupert Murdoch and Bob Guccione, provides us with the answer.

In economics they call it revealed preference theory: making decisions based upon past consumer behavior. Over at the DN, we simply know it as the "hot-chicks-plus-swooping graphics-and-loud-yelling-equals-cable-gold" equation. Good on ya, Mr. Ailes!

We especially love the fetching Jenna Lee (at top right), anchorcandy for the channel's a.m. zoo program, "Money For Breakfast." Don't miss Fox Business Network's other shows, including "Cash Brunch," "Bikinis 'N Securities," and "Market Wrap w/ Jenna Jameson."

Fred Thompson's Gone Hollywood On Us

2007-11-08T14:55:00.001-05:00

Jowly Tennessee senator and human tryptophan Fred Thompson has debuted a pair of television advertisements (this is the 60-second version; there's also a 30-second fun-size), carried nationally over Fox News Channel airwaves.

So the next time you tune into Fox to watch a blond bombshell rail against the capital-gains tax as an assault on freedom, do stick around through the commercial break.

Election By the Numbers: East End

2007-11-07T13:44:00.000-05:00

I only do the East End, because I'm one of those damned effete East End mocha yuppies. But here it goes...

Luke's victory in Wards 1-15 relied heavily on (surprise) Old People! Straight Democratic Voters accounted for 55% of his total take East of the Point.

TOTAL VOTES WARD 1-15: 36,235 (100%)
TOTAL STRAIGHT D 1-15: 11,480 (32% of all Votes Cast)
TOTAL RAVENSTAHL 1-15: 20,791 (57% of all Votes Cast)
TOTAL DESANTIS 1-15: 13,510 (37% of all Votes Cast)

If that's not depressing enough, consider this. DeSantis barely won his 'strongholds' in Ward 7. Not that it really matters when Ward 7, with turnout at 25%, was less than 7% of the votes cast in the East End.

TOTAL VOTES WARD 7: 2,521
TOTAL STRAIGHT D 7: 388 (16% of all Votes Cast in 7)
TOTAL RAVENSTAHL 7: 889 (37% of all Votes Cast in 7)
TOTAL DESANTIS 7: 1,508 (58% of all Votes Cast in 7)

All the fluff about Ward 7 being a voter powerhouse is shit. Two hundred more votes were cast in the 12th Ward Ghetto (Lincoln Larimer), and twice as many votes were cast in the 11th Ward, (Highland Park / East Liberty). Shadyside is a transient neighborhood where college students and short-term homeowners don't bother voting: A Gap and a Coffee Tree Roaster does not a neighborhood make.

The 14th Ward left us equally disappointed. Voter turnout, at 39%, was better than average; and as usual, the 14th Ward produced 1/3 of all votes cast in the East End. However, the breakout wasn't overwhelming for DeSantis.

TOTAL VOTES WARD 14: 9,965
TOTAL STRAIGHT D 14: 1,485 (16% of all Votes Cast in 14)
TOTAL RAVENSTAHL 14: 3,808 (38% of all Votes Cast in 14)
TOTAL DESANTIS 14: 5,613 (56% of all Votes Cast in 14)

Though its easy to be disgusted like CapitolMan, it is important to note that the key ingredients to Ravenstahl's victory in the East End are those most at risk demographically. Ravenstahl was heavily reliant on poor, ill-educated, old, rag-tag neighborhoods to secure his victory. The Straight D was absolutely critical to his success.

Those people are dying off, and fast. Meanwhile, neighborhoods like Squirrel Hill and Highland Park, where DeSantis did well, continue to grow. One need only note the electoral victories of Pat Dowd and Bruce Kraus, and the continued defection of all of Homewood, Lincoln Larimer, etc. into Penn Hills, to read the writing on the wall. A Republican may not win, but as DeSantis said, a solid 1/3 of Pittsburghers are demanding change.

Ravenstahl will likely outlive the machine that brought him to power; and thus his utility as a politician. Ask Len Bodack how that feels.

Pittsburgh and Luke Ravenstahl...because there's no hope

2007-11-07T08:16:00.000-05:00

Dear Pittsburgh,

I thought we might actually vote for a qualified and intelligent leader yesterday. But alas, the man-who-would-be-mayor is a registered Republican. Perish the thought!

Feel free to mock my naivety, but I'll gladly - and arrogantly - consider myself a denizen of the embittered, cynical Burghosphere.

Congratulations, Yunzers. Your blind partisanship has ensured two more years of economic stagnation, suburban flight, and high taxation.

In a few months, I'll depart for Cali. If you make it to Left Coast, feel free to stop by for an IC Light. I'd love to hear about my corrupt and mismanaged homeland.

Suck it,

CapitolMAN

Make This Your Best Guy Fawkes Day Yet!

2007-11-05T12:41:00.000-05:00

Guy Fawkes Day is once again upon us, gentle yinzers. For those of you without a subscription to The Economist, the holiday commemorates the foiling of the infamous "Gunpowder Plot" by English authorities, a scheme which allegedly targeted the British Parliament for destruction by a group of Catholic extremists and its number one bomb-thrower, Guy Fawkes. Britons typically celebrate November 5 with bonfires and smoldering effigies of the revolutionary, but this is America, a-hole; the DN always goes bigger. As a service to our reader(s), the following is a list of things you can do to mark the first victory in the 17th century's War On Terror:

1) Torch a Catholic's house. Have no fear: The papist that lives there will most likely not be home, but off counting gold in a subterranean hideaway and burning potions to appease his Roman masters.

2) Enjoy a typical English afternoon of tea, brittle food, and latently homosexual recreation.

3) Sing the Guy Fawkes Day anthem, "Nearer, My God, To Thee (But Only the Protestant Kind)."

4) Take a moment to consider the policy implications of using conventional military force to fight endless wars against stateless entities driven not by territorial conquest, but ideology. Then, invade Iran.

5) Remember that as long as we have religion people of weak character will continue to kill other people based on their interpretation of what a magic tree said 5,000 years ago.

Ravenstahl: "Diiip, diiiip Bush"

2007-11-05T09:01:00.000-05:00

CMU Professor Chad Hermannn pointed out a curious political handshake that's gone unreported. As you may recall, President Bush gave the commencement address at St. Vincent's College this summer. While not in Pittsburgh (or even Allegheny County), Boy Mayor was third in the receiving line (you can spot Boy Mayor by looking for his bald spot).

Why would a ~~boy~~ man who has spent the last month of the campaign demonizing Republicans want to greet the ~~country's~~ his rival party's titular leader?

As I've stated before, for Luke Ravenstahl, winning the mayor's race is about satisfying his insatiable ego. It's not about Pittsburgh. It's about Luke.

Friday Porn: Danika Wukich, Mayor Luke Ravenstahl's Spokescandy

2007-11-02T10:01:00.001-04:00

Congratulations, Danika! You're about to join the prestigious club of women who have been disrespected by The Darn News.

Your public status as the Ravenstahl campaign spokesperson makes us envious (we're roughly the same age, and yet here we are scribbling in our diary about you), and your tan-in-a-can hotness just screams "I'm a young, ambitious, professional woman. You edit a blog about politics and boobs. Why am I talking to you again?"

And allow us to point out that in the photo to your right Danika strikes the same pose as Joe Hardy's new concubine, Danielle Golden.

With a mouth "piece" like this, all the lonely yinzers will soon be shouting, "Two more years for our Boy Mayor!"

Ravenstahl - a homophobe (maybe a racist)...but sure knows how to feed 'em red meat

2007-11-01T22:32:00.000-04:00

Quote of the night from Luke: “[I've had the opportunity] to touch and feel every city employee so they got the chance to understand me as mayor”

They're talking about it over at the Pgh Comet.

I met David from 2PJ at the debate. Nice fella.

PG calls the final debate milquetoast. Ravenstahl harps on DeSantis' Republicanism, says the Trib.

Onto debate coverage:

Too bad we can't say the same for Mark DeSantis tonight. About the red meat issues, not the homophobia.

Mark DeSantis missed his opportunity to win the black vote. Luckily for him, the debate aired on QED. Given ample opportunity to distinguish himself as the responsible candidate who understands black issues, DeSantis chose to highlight his wonkiest positions on entrepreneurship, broken-windows policing, and school board appointees.

Everyone knows Mark DeSantis is more intelligent, responsible, and honest than Luke Ravenstahl. But Luke’s a bare-knuckled politician. He’s willing to be gruff, amiable, and angered when it suits him. Citizens like emotional mayors, and Luke is emotional. He’s also sly. He willfully misleads the audience about DeSantis’ Republicanism, the FOP endorsement, and the residency requirement.

On Election Day, it will not matter if the discerning, college-educated East Ender connects with DeSantis. Hell, it won’t even matter that DeSantis failed to connect with the pro-file, homophobic Brookliner. But what will matter is that DeSantis had an excellent chance to win the black vote in Homewood, East Liberty, and the Hill District. But he blew it.

On the issue of police residency, Ravenstahl has adamantly said that police should live inside the city’s boundaries because property ownership means police have a stake in the their city’s quality of life. Fair enough, but we all know police don’t live in Homewood. Instead of pouncing on Luke and calling him a racist (like I might have suggested), DeSantis sonorously remarked that policemen are only required to live within the city, but not specific neighborhoods.

Excellent point, but where’s the gravitas? Shout, jab, and gesticulate wildly! Say which neighborhoods are getting the short end of the stick. Tell the audience that Luke’s protecting the white yunzer at the expense of the black yunzer.

DeSantis needed to talk to the black voter who feels threatened by the punks and miscreants that smash glass bottles and peddle crack on the street corner. He needed to be livid of the crime in Homewood, the decay of Uptown, and the indifference of the Mayor’s administration. He should have been outraged about the indignity of being a decent person living amongst hoods and thugs.

While DeSantis’ micro-loan program for minority businesses is fresh, altruistic and much needed program in a city that ranks last in entrepreneurship, it’s a pipe dream to the decent families who witness friends and cousins killed by drug and senseless identity wars.

DeSantis will never likely lead the repelling of English infidels, but to be the change mayor one must display verve and outrage. He hasn’t done that, and for that reason, the black community will sit out this election. And if Luke’s right, all of Pittsburgh will be worse off for it.

RANDOM THOUGHTS:

In an audience of 50-60 people, more than half were campaign supporters and only a handful were under the age of 30.

The Mayor’s press secretary, Danika Wukich, is a very attractive young woman [pictured here]. The Dee-N was especially pleased she chose to wear a pair of sex-me boots.

After reading the PG’s profile of Luke a few weeks ago, we learned he could tell time at age three. Did he forget? Twice in this debate did Mayor Wunderkind lose track of how long each candidate has his answer and rebuttal.

Les Ludwig was handing out cards seeking write-in votes for mayor. Take up golf, Les.

Ravenstahl is opposed to gay marriage AND civil unions. Who knew there were 27-year old homophobes in the Democratic Party?

DeSantis goes to great lengths to explain that he donated to the current president in 1999. Read between the lines and what he’s saying is that he did not donate to Bush in 2004. Yo, Mark. If you oppose the war, say you oppose the war. The entire country is anti-war right now. Later in the debate, you said the goings-on of Washington were irrelevant to Pittsburgh. If that’s the case, distance yourself as far as you possibly can from GWB and Rick Santorum. Don’t remind us – ever - that you did in fact donate to them.

Luke’s been blaming Washington and the Republican Party for the city’s fiscal woes. DeSantis should have boisterously called him out. Washington is not responsible for the city’s precarious pecuniary position. For a city still in receivership, the Mayor’s blame-someone-else mentality is not only disingenuous but it’s also frightening.

I have a stream of consciousness that I’ll consider posting tomorrow.

Throw Another Waxlike Secretion On the Barbie

2007-11-01T13:32:00.000-04:00

Autralian opposition leader and putative future prime minister Kevin Rudd eats his own ear wax. Especially enjoyed the bit at the end when he leans back in his chair, visibly sated after scraping clean his cochlear duct. America, can you believe we're actually friends with this country?

Who is John Galt?

2007-10-31T11:00:00.000-04:00

Last night, Mark DeSantis was given the opportunity to lay Fluke Ravenstahl bare. At John Delano's request, DeSantis was asked what he didn't like about Ravenstahl. To keep everything grade-school kosher, he was also asked what he did like. Typically this sort of banal question yields either little insight into a candidate, or throws red meat to political sport. But the answers provided unique insight into an uncommon race.

Desantis didn’t bite… at least not like he could have. He didn’t recount Ravenstahls’ well known gaffes, or his less-than-inspiring tenure as Mayor. DeSantis instead chose to briefly mention Luke’s lack of humility before outlining a very genuine assessment of the Mayor's many (heretofore unknown) positives. In an era of unbounded political hubris, it was an uncommon moment of decency.

Herein lies the biggest difference between the man who is Mayor, and the man who should be. Mark DeSantis stands on a foundation of personal moral clarity. His boundaries are strongly defined; which is why he hasn’t gone dirty in the campaign, and why he found Ravenstahl’s filthy mailer so disgusting. Whereas DeSantis chooses to be above the fray, Luke is win-at-all-cost. Judging by the current Mayor's gratuitous indulgence in the perks of the office, and his slimy campaign tactics, Luke is DeSantis' polar opposite.

DeSantis’ ideology extends far beyond a few compliments and a ‘keep it clean’ campaign. Luke’s last question of the night highlighted this fact, as the Mayor read off the Democratic slate endorsement of his campaign. “If the Governor, the County Exec, a US Senator- if everyone in power endorses me, if they want to work with me and not you” asked the Mayor, “how do you plan on getting anything done?”

DeSantis’ answer was probably the most insightful comment into the nature of this man. “I don’t care what those politicians think of me… I will work hard, and perform, and earn their respect.” The noted lack of Dan Onorato and Ed Rendell’s presence in Luke’s campaign speaks to the truth of that statement; Luke has their backing on paper only. But it also speaks to DeSantis’ rejection of a political culture based on family and party affiliation. ‘I don’t need them to succeed, I need only my ability and willpower. I don’t go to them, they’ll want to come to me. Who is John Galt?’

DeSantis seeks from us an opportunity to be what Pittsburgh rarely has in any level of government; a public servant who is focused on public service. He closed by saying he would be honored to be my mayor. I would be proud to have him.

Postscript [CapitolMAN]: You'd be proud to have DeSantis as mayor, and so would the New Pittsburgh Courier, which just endorsed him.

Joe Hardy Putting the Wood To a New Honey: Danielle Golden

2007-10-31T09:18:00.000-04:00

WTAE reports Joe Hardy is dating Danielle Golden, a 22-year old graduate of St. Vincent's College. On her myspace page, Golden says she hails from 'the Dirty D' (Dunbar, Fayette County).

From WTAE:
On her MySpace page, Golden's quote read, "The best things in life are free...the second best are EXPENSIVE."

Her current mood: "exhausted."

From the 'No Kidding' File: Joe King Says 'No' to DeSantis

2007-10-30T09:13:00.001-04:00

Reason number 110,000 to vote Mark DeSantis for mayor: Firefighter union president Joe King doesn't want you to.

King has sent a letter to firefighters urging them not to vote for Mark DeSantis because the challenger may support fiscally responsible measures like streamlining the fire bureau with EMS, closing fire stations, and restructuring the contract to reduce the outrageous overtime guaranteed to firemen.

King is a self-serving jackass. You may recall that a jilted Joe King suggested the reason Tom Murphy landed the endorsement of the firefighters union in 2001 was because he agreed to a sweetheart contract that left residents with a bloated network of fire stations and overpaid employees.

During Sunday's debate on WPXI, DeSantis said he was open to closing fire stations, which was an action recently recommended by an Act 47 report. Naturally, Ravenstahl was noncommittal.

I wonder if we'll hear from DeSantis on whether Ravenstahl 'sold the city dahn the river' to ensure support from King and his untrustworthy minions.

Brian Lamb Gets What He Deserves

2007-10-29T17:14:00.000-04:00

Fuck it -- Brian Lamb for president. So-square-he's-cool former Capitol Hill staffer and C-SPAN founder Brian Lamb will receive the country's highest civilian honor (other than a link from the DN), the White House announced today.

The award is long overdue. One of our favorite Washington Journal moments ever involved Mr. Lamb calmly reading the stubbornly ignorant messages of Michael Savage supporters after a row erupted between the radio host and the cable channel. Destroying vulgar hacks like Michael Savage is fun. Sometimes they give you a medal for it.

Dear CBS, Thanks for the Mammaries

2007-10-29T12:08:00.000-04:00

Two things "The Price is Right" is great for: 1) chasing away the sniffles when you're too sick to go to school, and 2) bringing the mesmeric undulations of ginormous, fabric-warping titties into your living room every morning at 11. Courtesy of the cultural anthropologists over @ College Humor.

Ravenstahl's Spokesman Baghdad Bob Announces Coveted Manic Magazine Endorsement on DVE

2007-10-29T08:52:00.000-04:00

Photo taken after Manic Magazine announcement.

Here's your debate coverage:
PG
Trib
WPXI

I forgot to add this ridiculous statement made by Luke regarding his jaunt to NYC with billionaire playboy Ron Burkle during the arena negotations:

"... I am grateful for that relationship and we were able to enhance that relationship that evening."

Does Mrs. Ravenstahl know about his 'relationship' with Mr. Burkle?

Debate tomorrow night at 7 PM on KDKA.

DeSantis Smashes Mayor Luke Ravenstahl's Face in WPXI Debate

2007-10-28T12:14:00.000-04:00

A fresh pot of Fortunes' Viennese roast coffee was the only elixir for the bellicose hangover that would cloud my Sunday morning viewing of Meet the Press.

But I would not see Tim Russert the Potatohead because a sickly David Johnson found this time slot agreeable for a silly debate between Mark DeSantis and Luke Ravenstahl.

Another one of these snoozefests? I’ve had enough. Unless a bikini-clad Julie Bologna is going to moderate this debate I’ll just as well drill an hole in my skull to relieve this pressure.

But this event was hardly the sombrous affair of dustups past. At the debate’s outset, a composed and passionate Mark DeSantis articulately excoriated Mayor Wunderkind for a milquetoast negative campaign flyer that was sent to residents yesterday. While the flyer is not exactly on par with Swift Boating your opponent, it did expose DeSantis’ horrifying Republican allegiance.

Much to my chagrin, DeSantis has chosen to take the high road in this campaign. But calling out Luke for a crummy flyer is as close as we’re going to get DeSantis calling Luke a creep. And Luke’s a creep, folks. His smarmy smirk is no more beguiling than George Bush’s chortle.

I can’t tell you how angry it makes me to think anyone would vote for Luke. He’s a simpleton of dubious intellect. Here are three of Luke’s most memorable malapropisms and platitudes:

“We see more efficiencies continue throughout my tenure.”

“It’s a policy decision that should be followed up on.”

“Zachary is what we work very hard to achieve.”

“The superintendent has a supporter in Luke Ravenstahl.”

Luke is the master of the non-sequitir. He has this insatiable capability to mangle the English language. It would really be quite hideous if it weren’t so funny. At one point during the debate, Johnson asked Luke about his presence at the UPMC golf outing. Instead of showing any humility and moving on, Luke offered a bumbling soliloquy about attending “charitable events.” Only people can be charitable, Luke.

He’s the personification of a sluggish PC that needs to be rebooted.

Simply put, the dude is a dud.

DeSantis oozed passion this morning. He spoke eloquently about coming together as Pittsburghers to make this city great once again. When he suggests we should rise above partisan acrimony, he actually believes it. The only time I can remember DeSantis attacking Luke during the debate was for not showing enough humility. He sounded like a teacher disappointed in his pupil’s behavior.

I tweaked DeSantis’ stiff performance at the WTAE debate, but there’s no doubting his zeal for public policy and public service. He’s the genuine article.

Highlights from the debate:
Good move by Johnson to let the candidates confront each other. DeSantis caught Ravenstahl flat-footed several times, especially when Luke asked him how he could possibly expect to extract a better health care deal for the city. DeSantis has said recently that he’d ask UPMC to provide discounted health-care to city pensioners in lieu of their paltry non-profit contribution to the city’s budget. Luke smugly pointed out that the bid for health care was an open request for proposal, but DeSantis said this wasn’t creative enough. After some back and forth, DeSantis smashed the volley.

“If you think an RFP process is creative you need to think again.”

After DeSantis cited his agreement with Dan Onorato on regionalism for the umpteenth time in this campaign, Ravenstahl said "I just want to point out that Dan Onorato is endorsing me in this campaign."

DeSantis cheerfully replied that he didn't mean to imply Onorato was endorsing his candidacy, but he could understand why Luke could be confused, given all the endorsements he's been receiving. [In case you missed it, the PG endorsed DeSantis.]

It’s really Luke who should have no chance in this election. He’s a 27-year old parochial yunzer running against a professional businessman with sound policy ideas. But alas, this is Pittsburgh. Home to 70 years of one-party rule, blatant corruption, crumbling infrastructure, and approximately 200,000 parochial yunzers.

Friday Porn: "Meet the New Boss ..." Edition

2007-10-26T10:39:00.000-04:00

South America pumps out hot broads faster than it can print worthless money, and Argentina is no exception. So it's little surprise, then, that one of them, Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner, will probably win her country's presidential contest, slated for this Sunday.

Kirchner is the current first lady/crime partner of socialistic strong man President Nestor Kirchner. Her husband's economic program of ignoring the country's crushing debt, driving out foreign investment, and cozying up to tinhorn dictator Hugo Chavez seems to be paying off: Argentina enjoyed eight percent growth last year, making it the economic envy of most of the continent. That, and she's hot and charismatic enough to make voters forget about the roving drug militias which control their cities.

The DN would like to wish Mrs. Kirchner best of luck in this weekend's show election. Yet we earnestly pray that one day Argentinian politics will emerge from its current condition of dynastic succession and enter into the sunlight of truly democratic participation. Nobody likes a rigged system in which two people, or two families, control a country indefinitely -- except of course Americans. Viva la similarity!

My-family-hates-me Man

2007-10-25T11:57:00.000-04:00

Sometimes, the conventional wisdom is correct: New Yorkers, specifically liberal New Yorkers, can be really, really annoying.

Take for instance "No Impact Man." No, that's not Fred Thompson's nickname on the campaign trail: actually, it's the alter ego of Colin Beavan, environmentalist, father, and sustainable husband. Beavan is a writer living in the city and has been documenting his war on heat-trapping emissions and disposable Dixie cups since earlier this year, has made numerous media appearances, keeps an updated blog, has a film in the works, and was contracted to write a book describing this participatory thought experiment -- simultaneously guaranteeing both a national bestseller and the clear-cutting of thousands of acres of South American forestland.

The DN applauds Beavan's noble endeavor; we could all stand to use a bit less and conserve a little more. But, really, with a kid and everything? And a young one at that. Sure, we'd like to drive around town in a CO2-free dumpcart too, but not at the risk of our child hating us because we forced them to avoid toilet paper and shut off the lights at 7:30. Hasn't this cat watched E!'s True Hollywood Story? Kids with cool parents turn out the exact opposite. No Impact Man, in this case, don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good. Your monkish asceticism makes Osama bin Laden like look Liberace. There's got to be a middle way, otherwise you risk raising both an adult film star and a Republican in the same person. And Mary Carey's so California recall election 2003.

Once, Twice, Three Times a Lady

2007-10-24T09:59:00.001-04:00

DeWeese's Habay Wave

2007-10-24T09:46:00.000-04:00

Tom Corbett's 'Politically Inspired Witch Hunt,' which turned up 20 boxes of Democratic political research paid for by taxpayer dollars, is now sniffing through Republican filing cabinets. At risk, sez the PG, are John Perzel, Sam Smith, and other Republican leadership. In Harrisburg, impropriety knows no bounds, but don't be surprised if only a few GOP heads roll.

The House Democrats are the target of the inquiry because they spent a whopping $1.9M in bonuses, twice as much as both Senate caucuses and the House GOP combined. It may be that the GOP was given the opportunity to shield itself from all but the most egregious wrongdoing; but it may also be that DeWeese is the king-shit dirtbag of Hubris in Harrisburg.

Part of being politically savvy is avoiding impropriety... not only because its wrong, but because it arms your enemies. DeWeese speaks like a foppish parody of a Machiavellian genius, but a fop is no substitute for the real deal. Say hi to Jeff Habay on your way to hell, Billy boy.

Councilman Motzdick to Pittsburghers: 'Don't Take Me Seriously'

2007-10-24T08:56:00.001-04:00

After Monday's debate performance I thought the Ravenstahl campaign had finally gotten its act together. Mayor Wunderkind's dear buddy, Jim Motznik, didn't get the memo.

Pull on shit-waders because Councilman Jim Motzdick (D-Douchebag Heights) is running his mouth again.

From the PG's Early Returns blog:

"Anyone working for the city needs to be a city resident, period," said Councilman Jim Motznik at a City Council meeting today. "A GOP candidate will promise anything to get the endorsements that he thinks are needed."

He also noted that Pittsburgh's police residency requirement is enshrined in state law (as is the parking tax cut he tried to overturn ). "How can you take someone serious who's going to promise something that he has no control over?" he asked.

..

Mr. Motznik even claimed, approvingly, that there's a "petition" circulating in the zone stations urging support of Mr. Ravenstahl. We at Early Returns suppose that he will promptly report those officers to the city's Ethics Hearing Board, since, as the city's Ethics Handbook notes, all "city employees are prohibited from engaging in political activity during work hours and at all times in City offices."

Is Motzdick as dumb as he looks?

I recently read some Internets speculation that Motzdick engineered council's bill that maintained the parking tax at 45% despite ICA rules requiring it to drop to 40%, only to have Luke veto the bill and appear fiscally responsible. After reading these remarks, I sincerely doubt that.

"What Will You Do the Next Time Porn Strikes?"

2007-10-23T14:27:00.000-04:00

Answer: Severely overreact and demolish private property. Via our insane new friends over at GodTube, home of "Funny Church Moments" and a unitary vision of life.

Ravenstahl - DeSantis Debate Update: Us V. Them

2007-10-23T10:02:00.000-04:00

As expected, today's debate remix starts with the body blows endured by Mark DeSantis over the FOP endorsement.

The Trib lead [David Brown reporting]: Democratic Mayor Luke Ravenstahl accused Republican challenger Mark DeSantis of "selling the city down the river" by agreeing to positions backed by Pittsburgh's police union -- implying that's how DeSantis got the union's endorsement.

Post-Gazaette lead [Dan Majors]:
Pittsburgh's mayoral candidates last night sparred over the longtime residency requirement for city employees and whether Republican challenger Mark DeSantis "sold the city down the river" to get the endorsement of the police union.

"I stood up to the [Fraternal Order of Police], and my opponent was unwilling to stand up to the FOP and rather caved in to their demands," Mayor Luke Ravenstahl said during an hour-long debate sponsored and televised by WTAE-TV.

...

Both stories focus on the residency requirement, which I believe is a non-win proposition for the challenger. The PG's Majors points out that three of the dozen questions dealt with Luke's ethical lapses.

Neither reporter mentioned the exchange about Mayor Wunderkind's ICA-mandated budget projection report, which shows an operational deficit in years four and five.

Luke Ravenstahl Outperforms DeSantis in Pittsburgh Mayor Debate

2007-10-22T20:23:00.000-04:00

I have terrible news to report, Dear Reader.

Mayor Luke "the Fluke" Ravenstahl will inadequately rule Pittsburgh for the next two years. During this evening's debate on WTAE [live-blogged by Bram at the Comet], Mayor Wunderkind exuded charm and confidence. He actually came across as likable and knowledgeable. He flashed a ready smile and gave butter-smooth answers for the silver-platter questions posed by moderator Sally Wiggins.

Although DeSantis was prepared for questions about his FOP endorsement, Republican affiliation, and half-baked plan to reduce city spending, he looked nervous. He made no prolonged eye contact with the cameras. He spoke with a stale delivery that betrayed his message of "courage" and enthusiasm for the city's future. I can't recall DeSantis grinning at all.

DeSantis' campaign has failed to adequately defend his FOP endorsement. The only way he can repair the damage is to get the policeman's union to state publicly that DeSantis did not promise to waive the residency requirement. At the debate, DeSantis said he believed that the residency requirement precludes the city from hiring the most talented employees. That's a reasonable position, and he may be right.

But city residents won't be happy if their policemen are living outside the borders. And Ravenstahl gave the taxpayers a crisp, red-meat rebuttal.

"To suggest that we can't find talented people inside the city, that's a slap in the face to city residents."

Smash your face, DeSantis.

The FOP endorsement might just be more trouble than its worth for the DeSantis campaign. Despite his protests to the contrary, it smacks of the kind of horse-trading DeSantis has been railing against.

I think Ravenstahl wins on the issue of consolidation, too. Whatever the reasons for the city's pecuniary problems, city residents are just as frightened of losing control to a county executive as suburbanites are of assuming the city's crippling finances. Quote DeSantis: "I hope I'm the last mayor of the city of Pittsburgh." Yeah. that ought to play real well in Carrick.

Ravenstahl showed he has no idea how to attract businesses to the city. He talked about cranes and downtown construction as signs of growth, either slyly or willfully ignorant of the 0% job growth and high commercial vacancy, both of which were cited by DeSantis.

The only moment DeSantis came across as humanly comfortable was when he retold the story of learning about Senator John Heinz's death and its affect on his career path. [Disclosure: I watched the debate at Cappy's with the DeSantis crowd]. Everyone, including the uninterested barflies, stopped and listened to his answer.

Much better than Luke's answer: my brother was in a car crash nine years ago.

Despite Luke's proclivity for obfuscation and replies that can be paraphrased as "hey, I didn't cause this mess. I just became mayor because the old charming guy died", Ravenstahl wins. Neither Bob Mayo nor Jeremy Boren, both indubitable if not unspoken adversaries of Raventsahl, failed to unnerve Hizzoner.

And with little time remaining, I hereby crown Mayor Wunderkind King Shit of Fuck Mountain for two more years.

It's Pronounced Car-NAY-Gee, Not CAR-ni-gee

2007-10-22T17:37:00.000-04:00

The NY Times, obviously feeling guilty after shoddy reporting of Mayor Luke "the Fluke" Ravenstahl three weeks ago, has a charming story about Andrew Carnegie's largess in today's Travel section.

Frankly, there's nothing new or intriguing in this article. Read it anyway.

DeSantis Hits Cable With Commercials

2007-10-19T13:48:00.001-04:00

The DeSantis campaign hits the cablewaves with these two 30-second spots. In an email to supporters, DeSantis' campaign says the commercials will run for one week beginning this weekend on CNN, Fox News, ESPN, BET, AMC, Lifetime, the Family Channel, and several other cable stations.

The big news here is that the campaign is not on broadcast television. To win this race, DeSantis has to make a showing with the FDR Democrats. He simply can't win on the strength of the East End. Unfortunately, he's not going to reach Strawberry Way with an ad on BET.

As revealed by John Delano last week, one commercial has DeSantis waxing romantic about Davy Lawrence and Dick Caliguri [See it here on the Tubes]. I like the theme: give DeSantis - and Pittsburgh - a chance. But DeSantis comes across as a humorless bureaucrat. Every city wants their mayor to exude confidence and charisma. I don't see it with this spot.

The second spot is a clever montage. In this 30-second ad, a diverse group of Pittsburghers endorse DeSantis as the responsible, thinking man's candidate. I hope these are real Pittsburghers, but the absence of name and neighborhood attributions makes me think otherwise. Nice graphics work as well.

For those of us who cannot stomach Mayor Wunderkind for another two years, let's hope DeSantis' campaign is holding back for a broadcast spot.

The video is up. Here's a link to the second ad.

Take the A (Hole) Train

2007-10-19T09:51:00.000-04:00

You think your morning commute sucks? Try riding to work with John Clifford, ex-cop and LIRR schoolmarm. Clifford has been arrested ten times for accosting fellow travelers who break rules of courtesy and public etiquette.

My personal favorite anecdote [from the NY Post]: "Four hefty girls get on and yap, yap, yap," he recalled. Then one woman nudged him, causing him to spill coffee on his pants. Clifford returned the favor by pouring coffee on her pants. She poured the cup of joe on him again, so he answered by dumping the contents of his cup on her head.

From Gov't Issue: If a parboiled Irishman in cheap dockers ever interrupts my commute he's getting thrown from the train faster than Mama.

Frankly, I like this chap. I'm too passive-aggressive to do anything remotely opprobrious to another human being, but this guy's the genuine article. No more public cell phone chatter. Shut the hell up, America.

Logic Gaps

2007-10-12T11:18:00.000-04:00

The City of Pittsburgh is broke. Wow, headline there, eh? Funny thing, it hadn't been a topic of conversation during the debates until now. The Trib, which unlike its cross-river rival actually reported on the debate, featured the DeSantis - OpieBot exchange.

DeSantis:

'The city is a fiscal basket case,' (DeSantis) said. 'We have more debt per capita than any city in the country .... The sad fact is we're facing the prospect of bankruptcy. The facts are there. We have over $900 million in bonded debt. One-quarter of the city budget simply goes to pay the interest on that debt."

BoyOpie originally responded, "F**k yeah, we're rich, Bitch. But when faced with DeSantis' sobering statistics responded a bit more cogently:

F**k you punk, I mean, that's not FAIR, I inherited the problem. I mean... (insert vague promise of long-term solutions). I mean... C'mon, he's pickin on Me!'

Hmm, inherited a problem? Gee, my crystal ball shows a 'Budget Deficit' press conference 2 months after the election. While it's true that Opie did inherit the budget deficit from the spendthrift Murphy era, ya gotta fight with the Army you have, Opie. Unfortunately, Opie's solutions sounded curiously Rumsfeldian... a mixture of blind optimism and a stay the course mantra. DeSantis went on to ask OpieBot how many of the Act 47 recommendations he had, or intended to, put into place. Opie's short answer: None.

Like any good Republican, DeSantis follows the money. He has a basket of answers, most of which are fact-checked and researched. Unfortunately, good ideas don't win elections in this town. Say hi to Peduto and Lamb on your way down.

Pointless Update: Did We Mention She's Hot?

2007-10-11T16:46:00.000-04:00

Pia Haraldsen, annoying reporter for unfunny foreign comedy program, we hate to see you go ... but we love watching you leave.

Quisling's Q & A

2007-10-11T14:25:00.000-04:00

A Norwegian fake-news show sits down with New York City Councilman James Oddo. A windswept Aryan asks several absurd questions of Oddo. The councilman then responds with the Italian-American version of comedic appreciation: threats of physical violence accompanied by loud screaming. Don't let that door hit ya on the way out, 'wegie scum!

Drink Tax has Onorato all Wet

2007-10-11T09:43:00.000-04:00

County executive Dan Onorato poked the bear. In his 2008 budget, Onorato wants to raise money for the Port Authority by taxing the people who can least afford it - the alcoholics. A ten percent drink tax coupled with $2 a day car rental tax would raise the $30 million needed for the maligned transit system.

The four Republican county councilpersons will vote against the levies. Democrats, who make up two-thirds of the fifteen-person body, gave tepid support to the budget, according to Ann Besler at the Post-Gazette. Write your councilperson.

Onorato also pissed off transit union president Pat McMahon when he suggested that union employees should contribute as much to their health care as management. Union members pay one percent of wages while nonunion employees pay two percent, a figure scheduled to increase to three percent July 1.

Like many American employers, the Port Authority's budget is subsumed with health care for employees and retirees. How about this outrageous nugget:

Mr. Bland said the far larger, Philadelphia-based Southeastern Pennsylvania Transportation Authority pays about $8 million a year for retiree health care premiums, compared with about $30 million at the Port Authority, although SEPTA has three times as many retirees.

At SEPTA, the normal retirement age is 62, although employees can retire at 55 with 30 years of service. In November 2005, the authority raised its retirement age to 55 with 25 years of service after well more than 1,000 employees -- some in their late 40s -- had already walked out the door with full pensions and health care coverage. The normal retirement age for county employees is 62.

At least Onorato is tying the employment roll to the county's population. His 2008 budget would eliminate 200 employees through attrition and retirement.

Kangaroo Krossing

2007-10-10T17:14:00.000-04:00

If you think this is bad, you should see the wombat:

Have Gun -- Will Tummel

2007-10-09T16:27:00.000-04:00

Meet Brasco the Liberty Bear. He's the Jewish, gun-loving mascot for the inexplicable "Jews for the Preservation of Firearms Ownership." Also, he looks eerily similar to subway gunman Bernie Goetz for some reason.

Brasco even has an insane children's pamphlet complete with demented rants against the United Nations and the Japanese (what?). Check it out here.

Like what you see? Then amuse yourself with the organization's range targets while we place Goldilocks in the witness-protection program.

Writing and its Consequences, Part II

2007-10-08T13:29:00.000-04:00

Ayaan Hirsi Ali lives life with a security detail. She isn't a Monarch of some forgotten island, or a starlet fending off paparazzi. She is an intellectual, a writer living under protection, in the Democratic West. She has opinions, particularly about Islam, that make her a bit unpopular with cultural relativists and a certain bearded sword-wielding demographic. As such, goons provided at the expense of the Netherlands ensure goons provided at the expense of Muslim extremists don't whack Ms Ali. The Dutch seek to cut funding for Hirsi-Ali's security detail, leaving 5'3" 125lb former Dutch Parlimentarian to contend with the Bedouin death-squads alone. Cost aside, they haven't the appetite for Ms. Hirsi-Ali's 'shrill' condemnations of Islam.

Of interest to today's DN, the particulars of Ms. Hirsi-Ali's 'shrill' broadsides on the Muslim faith. Ms Hirsi-Ali contends that Islam shouldn't beat women, shouldn't categorically dehumanize or devalue women, and shouldn't barbarically circumcise pre-teen girls with chards of glass or, lacking any other sharp implement from a dumpster, the lid of a tin can. If her grotesque Western smugness didn't set you off there, then this should fry all your sensitivity sensors. She frequently suggests that western Democracy, rooted in equality and the Enlightenment, is better than a life of slavery and subjugation offered by Islam.

A convert's passion is often mistaken for a lack of intellectual depth; but this is not always so. The rigor of a true conversion, the painful betrayal by one's former beliefs and ultimate rejection of those beliefs for an alternative faith, scars for life. Such growth requires strength, intelligence and insight; the roots that ultimately take hold are as deep as the pain. Hirsi-Ali 's criticisms, like those of Salman Rushdie, are deadly not only because she dared criticise her former faith, but because her critique was so personal, so thorough, and so damningly accurate. It should be our honor to defend her in whatever manner she requires. Afterall, her critique was not specious or capricious. Rather, we hold the truths Hirsi-Ali speaks be self evident, that all people are created equal, that they are endowed with certain unalienable Rights, including but not limited to Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness. No tin can lids, no beatings, just the Freedom to live one's life.

May the fervent convert forgive us our squeamishness, our fear, and our lapsed faith.

Writing and Its Consequences

2007-10-05T13:31:00.000-04:00

Hitchens recalls an earnest young enlistee and confronts the depressing knowledge that his own words have contributed to another human being's death. An honorable man's honesty.

More Local Music: Strangeway

2007-10-05T11:01:00.001-04:00

If you are a grunge rock fan, you will probably slick this slick Pittsburgh band, Strangeway. It's a hard-edged act, with unusually talented musicians. There's definitely more Strangeway music on my playlist than The Clarks, though I still think my favorite local band has got to be Rusted Root.

PA Gaming Control Board Burns Clairton to Ground

2007-10-04T16:37:00.000-04:00

Clairton, a small town on the Mon River, fell to forces allied with the PA Gaming Control Board at 3:45PM EST today. Sources say PGCB sacked Clairton with murderous fury, meeting little resistance from the mostly aged and impoverished population. Clairton's economy, once characterized by fiery hearths and teeming streets, has shrunk to little more than Social Security, stale doughnuts and coffee. Several storefronts, offering breakfast fare and number writing, remain open in defiance of widespread abandonment. It is these final vestiges of economic vitality targeted by the pillaging Junta.

At noon, the City's defenses withered. By 3, billows of smoke cloaked St. Clair Avenue. One PGCB officer gleefully dumped gasoline all over Margie's Doughnuts and Coffee, one of the few remaining storefronts along Clairton's main thoroughfare. "Forty years of work here in the making," he chortled as he struck a match. "State's been killin this place off one street at a time since HUD crammed the Projects down Clairton's throat in '65. I'm just proud to be doin' my part." Another PGCB officer had the elderly proprietor cum criminal Margie face-down on the pavement as flames engulfed her store. "Gambling is illegal and immoral," he screamed as he ground Margies face into the sidewalk. "Gambling revenues go to horse racing or Billy DeWeese's political slush fund, not to thugs like you!"

Allegheny County promises dozens more such raids in the future, promising to squeeze the last drops of life from small towns like Clairton into Don Barden's palatial casino on the North Shore, and the Meadowlands in economically distraught North Strabane. With the last 12 or so storefronts left on St. Clair Avenue reduced to cinders, its clear they mean business.

BREAKING NEWS: Ravenstahl hasn't F**ked up in last ten hours

2007-10-04T14:14:00.000-04:00

PITTSBURGH (AP) - It's been over ten hours since Mayor Wunderkind last screwed up. Political observers expressed amazement that Ravenstahl hadn't managed to offend a minority group, misuse city property, or violate the city's ethics code since Wednesday.

On Wednesday, Ravenstahl had a banner day when he stepped on his own dick twice. At a morning women's issues forum, he petulantly asked the host to remove his opponent, Mark DeSantis, from the audience. Later in the day, he had to answer questions about his use of a police surveillance vehicle, which had been paid for with Homeland Security funds. Ravenstahl and his entourage took the GMC Yukon to a Toby Keith concert in August.

Political observer Joe Sabino Mistick likens this lull in Hizzoner's public gaffes to the calm before a hurricane.

"Give it another day," said Mistick. "He's probably just hiding low and planning his next fuck-up."

Ravenstahl defends use of police SUV: 'The Denali was in the shop'

2007-10-04T08:18:00.000-04:00

Boy-Mayor Luke Ravenstahl drove a police SUV - paid for with Homeland Security funds - to a Toby Keith concert.

I'm not sure which is worse; the mayor's wanton use of city property for tailgating or the fact that the Hizzoner likes Toby Keith.

Yes, I'll be here all weekend folks!

If this were a serious town - with an attuned citizenry and a relentless press - Ravenstahl's electability would be seriously compromised. Lucky for Mayor Wunderkind he's big-timing it in Pittsburgh. When his blind defenders call into KDKA or write into the PG, they defend his youthful transgressions with the "leave the kid alone!" defense.

Yo, Pittsburgh. He's mayor of a $400 million business of which you are a shareholder.

Ravenstahl is in dire need of political handlers. No self-respecting campaign manager would permit his candidate to gallivant around town, especially when there's a whiff of impropriety in his actions. And when Boy-Mayor (or his entourage) asked his Republican opponent Mark DeSantis to leave the room during an address to the Executive Women's Council, Boy-Mayor looked petty and churlish, not to mention frightened.

....

Now that US District Attorney Mary Beth Buchanan is investigating Boy-Mayor's use of a police surveillance vehicle for tailgating, this story won't be going away any time soon.

....

With the Keith-Gate story, Rich Lord finally scoops the Trib's Jeremy Boren [Trib coverage of Keithgate here]. Perhaps the Burghosphere - and ultimately, the city - will reap the harvest of an old-fashioned newspaper war?

CALVACADE OF AGONY

2007-10-02T10:03:00.000-04:00

The papes here in New York have been pretty busy since Sunday demonstrating their ability to show Mets fans in various states of dejection and helplessness. Needless to say, for this Yankees supporter, it's been great fun to observe. Here now, some of the better images of crushing defeat:

America's Shame

2007-10-01T15:47:00.000-04:00

What's up, U-S-of-A? Your dollar is weaker than the current field of Republican presidential candidates. (Bwa-zing!) Your economy is slower than a South Carolinian beauty-pageant contestant. Add to this inflationary fears, a less-than-stellar jobs report, and rising prices for imports, and you have all the makings of a market mini-shock.

Now we learn that Canada -- Canada! -- is cruising along economically, the euro is doing great, and investors are begging off U.S. bonds. When the pretend countries start to get this uppity, you know things are going poorly for us. Hey, China, about our debt-payment plan: Do you accept boogers and Camel cash?

Gum Fight

2007-10-01T12:44:00.001-04:00

What's that? Write a post about chewing gum? Mmm ... okay!

Like most compulsive smokers and crash-dieting health zealots, the editorial staff of The Darn News loves gum for its stress-reducing and appetite-suppressing qualities, among other things. But which brand of ground chicle is best for that sudden work craving, and which deserves to be stuck under the nearest bar stool?

Now New York Magazine -- a glossy events calendar featuring interviews with undistinguished elitists -- has attempted to settle the chewing-gum wars once and for all. We're right there with you in the mint and fruit categories (Wrigley's and Adams Sour Cherry), New York, but Bazooka Joe as the bubblegum winner?! Repeat after us, citified liberals: BIG LEAGUE-EFFING CHEW. Now, if you'll excuse us, the DN has to get back to blogging and chewing gum at the same time and watching our bodies slowly decay.

Jenna Bush Does Diane Sawyer (Photo)

2007-09-28T16:29:00.000-04:00

Hey! Not like that! Anyhow, Jenna Bush will be appearing on ABC's 20/20 tonight at 10 p.m. EDT.

She'll dish to Ms. Sawyer the details of her new book, "Ana's Story," her experiences as first daughter, and the arrangements for the White House wedding we'll all soon be subsidizing. It's going to be an evening "pregnant" with revelation.

Friday Porn: Soccer's World C-Cups

2007-09-28T15:20:00.000-04:00

You were expecting maybe Brandi Chastain?

Folks, the DN loves three things: broadband Internets connections, books on war, and cute soccer babes playing a game we would otherwise ignore -- like for instance Heather Mitts. But not long are the days of wine and roses and sports bras and short shorts. US Women's World Cup Soccer Team, you have let the terrorists win.

The Lady Patriots (just go with it) lost in their semi-final match against perennial powerhouse (your guess is as good as ours) Brazil yesterday, by a score of 4-0 (Is that a lot? Never mind). And after the soccer match ended a blame game broke out, apparently. Baltimore Sun writer and editor Bill Ordine details the fun fallout on his "O, by the Way" blog. O, dear God, is that really its name?

So shape up, soccer honeys. One more embarrassing loss like this and women's futbol may be relegated to fourth-tier status in American sports culture. Now get out there and bend something ala Beckham!

DN BREAKING STORY: END OF THE WORLD

2007-09-28T14:55:00.000-04:00

It is my unpleasant duty to inform you, gentle readers of the Darn News, that the world has come to an end. Hell has apparently surfaced in Versailles, PA. It has been confirmed by multiple credible sources that the rancid smell of sulfur engulphing the Youghiogheny River town of 1,700 Heralds the End of Times. From the turbulent tintinnabulation of London's bells, to panicked mobs before Beijing's Ancient City, the people of Earth hurriedly sought intercession against the Reign of the Beast throughout the day today. Though their tearful, fervent prayers are ongoing, the faithful sense a hollow emptiness. Worried whispers among communicants speak of the Absence of God.

Yet in Versailles, PA, where the gaping mouth of Hell spews forth acrid sulfur, an eerie calm, nay, apathy, settles over the public. Whereas the faithful claim the gathering clouds portend a future of endless darkness, Cyril 'Jock' Sbpolaszcenski, on his 9 AM walk to Todd's by the Bridge, said of the coming of Satan:

"Ya know, a man's vote ain't worth a damned no more. First its the damned Lyin' Union Democrats, then the damned Lyin' rich Republicans. Gergely, then Levdansky, then Satan! All them promises, an ya know what changes? Not a Goddamn thing. "

Versailles VFD prepared for the event by stockpiling gasoline and generators. Worried firemen checked and double-checked the generators. "This sumnabitch better not cut off till after the Stillers/Cardinals this Sunday," said a man fiddling furiously with a nest of wires connecting an ancient generator to a beermeister. Yes, Versailles and the World together brace for the worst.

In this last communique, we at the Dee-N wish you peace from the coming darkness. May tomorrow find us all, hopeful, safe, and free. God Bless.