Friday, February 29, 2008

Myron Cope Dies

There will be no obituary because the grief is inexorable. Maybe later after a few Arn's.

WTAE has finally uploaded several of Myron's musical spoofs onto YouTube. In this video, Myron parodies the Macarena.

Bye now, Myron.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Horror Movie Seeks Fred Thompson Supporters


It's been a while, jerks, but I'm back. Fahr'd up...mmm ready to go! The producers of a new horror flick have issued a general casting call for all inbreds, albinos, dysfunctionals, and freaks of nature. The directors of "Shelter," which stars Julienne Moore and will be filmed in Pittsburgh, want all local weirdos to play extras in the movie's West Virginia scenes. Think Deliverance.

Here's your money quote from local casting director Donna Belajac: "Some of these 'holler' people - because they are insular and clannish, and they don't leave their area - there is literally inbreeding, and the people there often have a different kind of look. That's what we're trying to get."

The casting call announcement points out the exact kind of freakish attributes that would qualify one for this glamorous role: "Extraordinarily tall or short. Unusual body shapes, even physical abnormalities as long as there is normal mobility. Unusual facial features, especially eyes."

Monday, February 25, 2008

Open Sewer


Starting this spring, scientists will commence a study of bio-diversity and health in the Allegheny River. Cheers, sez this humble writer.

The Allegheny's biggest polluter isn't that generic sociopathic capitalist cursed by the POGgers over Old Germans at Gooskis. Nope, biggest criminal in the set is your local sanitation authority. During heavy rains, the City of Pittsburgh and small mom-and-pop sewer shops in Allegheny River towns flush your toilet straight into the drink, giving our rivers the distinctive color of a Starbucks Mocha Latte. We swim in it, fish in it, boat in it and drink from it. The left overs flow dahn the Ohio to St. Louis, where it's bottled as Budweiser Select. (rim shot!)

Over the past century of sewerage treatment, society has expanded its definition of acceptable treatment. Unfortunately, the same 120 year old sewer lines carry shit and storm from Victorian towns and city neighborhoods to aging '50s era treatment facilities. Sadly, not only are underground infrastructure and sediment tanks aren't the prize photo-op ribbon cutting for our myopic politicians, they're fantastically expensive. Absent Cholera or some other preventable water-borne illness, politicians facing criticism over the incredible cost of any such functional yet invisible project would much rather invest in a hockey arena while we plebs splash our summers away in our own filth.

Hopefully this study will commence a serious discussion about our sewer and water problems; and yes, spur investment in our deteriorating infrastructure. And no, we won't be able to chalk this up as an economic bonanza. Its just a necessity.

Friday, February 22, 2008

... and then they came for me.

With all the bravado of a brittle old nun mumbling an endless stream of penance, the fatalists at the Post Gazette stroked a weak-kneed support of Onorato's Drink Tax. Their argument, "Tough it Out." In their best ruler rap across the knuckles, the smug PG sez that Onorato & Co., "...should have the foresight and fortitude to live with a difficult, imperfect and necessary action."

Thanks for the miserable world-view, PG. As if Pittsburgh didn't have enough fatalists, I have to hear you bastards crone on about the lack of a better option. Could you take the long-view and perhaps cite the inadequacy of property taxes, call for a restructuring of the Port Authority, or demand better options from the state? Nah, you offer St. Dan a cross on Calvary, promising the everlasting hymns of your myopic editorial staff will carry him to Heaven.

As if that weren't enough, you turn your miserable broadsides on Kennywood. Sway me with this kindergarten logic, '...everyone loves Kennywood and no one likes taxes. Pay your fair share Kennywood.' Following your logic that the park costs West Mifflin money, one would assume you would itemize the park's actual cost to West Mifflin. Nah, you assume the $1M + applicable property taxes cooked up by the lunch-pail accountants on WM Borough Council is fair. Good beggar's logic, whatever you got, that's what I need.

Fuck you, you lazy cowards. Perhaps it bears repeating that our broken governmental system and endemic sprawl is at the root of all these causes. But for fear of sounding like a broken record, you support the band-aids that keep this boat afloat, thereby tacitly endorsing the problem. As our government picks off segments of populations or industries in a Hayek-esque fleecing of the weak, you stand in strong support. I stand in strong support of a delivery tax on spineless newspapers.

Thursday, February 07, 2008

"You Can Have It": A Poem


a campaign lament by Blip Romney, guest blogger and seventh son of former presidential candidate Mitt Romney

My Dad comes home from the California primary
and climbs the stairs to one of our mansion's rooms.
I can hear the bed groan and his sensible Gucci shoes drop
one by one. You can have it, he says.

The moonlight streams in the window
and suddenly his unshaven face is whitened
like the face of the moon. He will sleep
long after noon and find me and Tagg gone.

Several administrations will pass
before I remember that moment when suddenly I knew
each man has one shot at playing to the crackpot base, one heart that always labors, hands yellow and cracked, a two-sided mouth that gasps for breath and asks, Am I gonna make it?

In the 2008 Republican primaries, developed
by the conservative establishment for the distant purposes
of Sean Hannity, no one cared about leadership,
no one needed a commander on the first day, or listened to Glen Johnson,

for there was no such year, and now
that year has fallen off all the old campaign blogs,
attack ads, and Bain Capital expense accounts.

I give you back 2008.
I give you back all the ludicrous promises and empty slogans
from that year to the coming inauguration. Give me back the moon
with its frail light falling across a face.

Give me back my Mitt, wonkish
and Rockefeller Republican, with a wide smile and a love
for Mormon Jesus and burning eyes that look upon
those presidential hopes and say, You can have it.

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Jailhouse Rock

Two "public servants" were charged yesterday with defrauding the good people of Pennsylvania. One indignant to the end, one squealing like a pig.

Twanda "Councilmatic" Carlisle demanded leniency from Judge John A Zottola, saying her 5 consecutive years of bilking the public were done in her "zealous" attempts to help her district. Economic development starts at home, sez a mink-clad Carlisle. Zottola was unimpressed, sentencing Carlisle to 2 years with the Commonwealth. She loses her pension, but will likely keep her $2,500 mink coat.

On the other side of the spectrum, Rep. Frank LaGrotta (D-Evans City) is squealing like a pig. Attorneys General in beautiful Harrisburg will allow LaGrotta to hide out at home because he has "...cooperated with several investigations by the attorney general's office." Which leads us back to Big Bill DeWeese and the legislative aide bonus scandal of 2006.

Sez the Lehigh Valley Political Blog regarding DeWeese's Bonus-Gate, Billy DeWeese is sailing on the river of denial. Sez the DarnNews, Billy DeWeese probably needs to take LaGrotta on a Big Pussey-esque sailing trip. Whether confident, or blissfully unaware, DeWeese may be the next one on his way to prison.

Friday, February 01, 2008

Friday Porn: Abbi Tatton Edition

Abbi Tatton, Internets reporter and Albion-tongued CNN dream girl, you've touched our heart -- right after you touched our blog!

So there you are, dear reader: Multiple terrorist attacks have rocked the United States. A state of emergency has been declared. The blood-dimmed tide has been loosed in the mind of every citizen, who now expects the worst. Chaos reins.

Naturally, you will want to know how Daily Kos, Jeff Jarvis, and the Ron Paul Forum weighed in on this momentous event. But who the fuck has the time, right? Enter Abbi. This "Situation Room" contributor will stand in front of a giant plasma screen for you, confidently tapping shiny browser bars, or maximizing Web video of George Allen defending his law office's noose display. It's sorta-reporting at the speed of a T1 connection!

If you like your latest blog rants wrapped up in game-show-style delivery, then this sexy parajournalist eye candy will show you her Midas touch. Pat, The Darn News would like to solve the puzzle: "Investment in original reporting is dead."