Caucus, you wonderful hillbillies, caucus!
The Darn News would like to thank all the hicks, rubes, old-timey country folk, dirtballs, and ethanol lobbyists who hitched up their pet hogs and participated in the Iowa caucuseseses yesterday. Below, please find our official roundup of the night's Winners and Losers. It's almost like being in Iowa -- if for some terrifying fucking reason you'd actually want to visit that shit-splat state. Viva unity.
Winners: change, Christian hysterics, liberal guilt, white people, antiquated voting procedures, Jesus Christ, corn, jawbonin', butter cows, butter-cow endorsements, mesmeric cross symbolism, John McCain.
Losers: The Establishment, Washington punditry, reason & good sense, switchgrass, Ron Paul ('natch), Mormon tolerance, butter bulls, secret balloting, foreign policy, the state of New Hampshire, Joe Biden (again), triangulatin', HDL cholesterol, and fake experience.