Friday, December 28, 2007

Friday Porn: Another Wasted Year! Edition

So this is the new year/and I don't feel any different. We're not certain of the band that wrote those words, but there's a good chance they were sensitive young men who probably wore their neckties ironically.

What does 2008 have in store for The Darn News? Well, for one, it's gonna get a lot lousier. Sorry about that. We're also hoping to move away from our usual blend of original reportage and local news analysis and embrace a less-nuanced approach focused more on making fun of other people and crudely objectifying women we will never meet. And politics -- there'll be some jokes about politics also.

Let's be frank: None of the past year's success could have been possible without you, the reader. Your dedication to flat, obvious blog humor, combined with a reluctance to accomplish anything of merit at your own meager jobs, have boosted our traffic to numbers rivaling 10 or 12 of the best Web sites dealing with Pittsburgh-centric marginalia updated once a day. Thank you. While we're still a long way from the kind of great writing you'd expect from a wordsmith like Perez Hilton or Arianna Huffington or whoever the fuck edits Fleshbot, we think 2008 is going to be our most literary yet. It'll be so smart; it'll be like visiting a liberry from your Internets computer machine.

So farewell, aught seven. We're going to miss your vicious tiger maulings, steroid scandals, dog-fighting scandals, attempted-gay-sex-in-a-public-restroom scandals, and relentless media consolidation. You've taught us that, just when you think America has reached its cultural nadir, someone in Hollywood will produce Delta Farce or give a Chinese dwarf her own bi-sexual dating show. It's sad to say goodbye, but have no fear, 2007. Team DN has a distinct feeling about this one: we only part to meet again.

3 comments:

CapitolMAN said...

I had high hopes for you, 2007. Your tenure began with Julie Stimmel seducing her English student, and theretofore unknown Sarah Spain prostituting herself for a ticket to the Super Bowl.

And now, 2007, you finish your reign of error with pleasant tidings for Boston, home to the NFL's unblemished Patriots.

Git R Dun. Fred '08. Shoot me in the brain.

Anonymous said...

Enough of demoralizing women. Your mother is a woman, so knock it off.

CapitolMAN said...

No self-respecting woman would ever read the Dee-N.