Monday, December 31, 2007

Top Five Pittsburgh Sports Talk Jocks

Our dear friend the Duke (of Dukes Court) posts the top-five Pittsburgh sports blatherskites. As John McCain might say, "Check it out, jerks."

Party Like its 1981!

In commemoration of the last day of 2007, the Dee-N presents King Cool himself, Donnie Iris. There is better way to celebrate Picksburghers' continuing embrace of the traditionalist thinking that has debilitated the region than this 1981 performance by Mr. Iris and his band, the Cruisers. Back in '81, the Steelers were only one year removed from Super Bowl ring number four, 'ahrns on tap were tax-free, and a baby Mayor-to-be hadn't yet crafted any back room deals or taken any SUV rides.

Luckily for those still left in town, Donnie Iris' tunes still hold up after nearly three decades. Love, like the brains of Allegheny County's Democratic Party voters, is indeed like a rock.

Friday, December 28, 2007

Friday Porn: Another Wasted Year! Edition

So this is the new year/and I don't feel any different. We're not certain of the band that wrote those words, but there's a good chance they were sensitive young men who probably wore their neckties ironically.

What does 2008 have in store for The Darn News? Well, for one, it's gonna get a lot lousier. Sorry about that. We're also hoping to move away from our usual blend of original reportage and local news analysis and embrace a less-nuanced approach focused more on making fun of other people and crudely objectifying women we will never meet. And politics -- there'll be some jokes about politics also.

Let's be frank: None of the past year's success could have been possible without you, the reader. Your dedication to flat, obvious blog humor, combined with a reluctance to accomplish anything of merit at your own meager jobs, have boosted our traffic to numbers rivaling 10 or 12 of the best Web sites dealing with Pittsburgh-centric marginalia updated once a day. Thank you. While we're still a long way from the kind of great writing you'd expect from a wordsmith like Perez Hilton or Arianna Huffington or whoever the fuck edits Fleshbot, we think 2008 is going to be our most literary yet. It'll be so smart; it'll be like visiting a liberry from your Internets computer machine.

So farewell, aught seven. We're going to miss your vicious tiger maulings, steroid scandals, dog-fighting scandals, attempted-gay-sex-in-a-public-restroom scandals, and relentless media consolidation. You've taught us that, just when you think America has reached its cultural nadir, someone in Hollywood will produce Delta Farce or give a Chinese dwarf her own bi-sexual dating show. It's sad to say goodbye, but have no fear, 2007. Team DN has a distinct feeling about this one: we only part to meet again.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Christmas with the Cranks

The DN's favorite wassailer and silver-tongued insult factory, Christopher Hitchens, participated in a "secular Christmas party" with Reason magazine staff and all their anarcho-capitalist buddies last week.

The Hitch read aloud Tom Lehrer's droll "Christmas Carol" following a drink-soaked comic rant against department-store holiday displays and North Korean totalitarianism. Christopher, we love you, but stick to defending unwinnable wars and using your Oxford education to debate Fox News pundits on "Hannity's Fortress America" or whatever zip code his show calls home. If you intend to do comedy, next time put "Blue Collar" in front of it. After all, you're an American now.

Merry X-mas.

Friday, December 21, 2007

Tancredo Reluctantly Calls Off Insane, Single-Issue Bid for Ultimate Power

Well, that's the end to the physical integrity of the United States: Tom Tancredo's out of the presidential race.

We're left with candidates who refuse to secure our borders, cultivate sanctuary cities, and favor handing over our daughters to MS13. Or something along those lines.

Congressman Tancredo, from your all friends at the DN, we wish you and that incredibly porous border fence a happy and healthy holiday season. Feliz Navidad!

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Top Ten Tarts of Pittsburgh in 2007

It's hard to believe that Boyz of the Dee-N have been objectifying women since catching our respective fathers reveling in the misogyny of the Morton Downey Jr. Show. So, Ladies of Pittsburgh, here is our ode to you. Thanks for the memories. We cherish them almost as much as our collection of PFAs.

Honorable Mention

PittGirl -
Notwithstanding your classy silhouette (now found on T-shirts), we cannot in good conscience add you to our list because no photo exists.

10. Danielle Golden / Kristin Georgi
PRO: will do anything for money
CON: skin an extra-crispy lacquer from years of cheap tanning

We hardly knew ye, Kristen Georgi, before fat billionaire Joe Hardy found a new Fayette County concubine who could empty his bedpan and nod impassively while he blathers on about how jazz was never the same after Max Roach or some crap. Slutitude advantage: Danielle Golden. Congratulations, gals. We just added a good five seconds to your fifteen minutes.

9. Erin Ravenstahl
PRO: twinkly eyes, attractive smile
CON: married dumbest person in her high-school class

Erin has been hitched to child emperor and current mayor Lukie Ravenstahl since she was barely legal. Otherwise, this blonde bombshell with the priceless smile would just be another tart rejecting our suave maneuvers on the dance floor of Prive.

8. Leslie McCombs
PRO: MILF, lobbyist
CON: willing to sleep with Ed Rendell to get Potato Patch fries named the state food

This former Pittsburgh newztart made for titillating gossip fodder in Harrisburg after a Republican senator announced he was hiring a private investigator to examine Mrs. McCombs relationship with Governor Soprano. Henry Kissinger used to say power was the ultimate aphrodisiac. This is what people must tell themselves right before they're forced to schtupp a bean bag.

7. Brandi Engel
PRO: young, fresh actress
CON: soon-to-be old, embittered ex-actress

Mt. Lebanon native Brandi had a bit role in a mindless miniseries on Cock Spike TV about villainous -- yet absolutely adorable -- sea monkeys who rob a bank in Pittsburgh ... or something. Doesn't matter: The point is Brandi's Hollywood star is sure to rise. That, or she gets a coke problem. We wish you well, Brandi!

6. Missy Peregrym
PRO: fully posable
CON: did the horizontal end-zone dance with Steely McBeam Ben Roethlisberger

Missy is also a bit actress -- she played a gymnast in some movie with one of the Bridges (we're guessing it was Lloyd) -- but she made the Fab Ten because she dated the Stillers' QB. How's it feel to have Lloyd Bridges' sloppy seconds, Big Ben?

5. Sally Wiggin
PRO: Professional, widely respected journalist
CON: No discernible negatives

Before there was Sonni Abatta, there was Sally Wiggin. No Pittsburgh newzbabe is as good-natured and conversant as Sally. Unfortunately, she may be an android.

4. Julie Stimmel
PRO: college degree, willing to sleep with younger men
CON: sexually preys on vulnerable students, regards calculus as practical

Stimmel, a former North Allegheny High School English teacher, gave extracurricular lessons to one of her students, with her mouth. Although the Darn News applauds her efforts with a gold star, even Mrs. Stimmel couldn't make Last of the Mohicans readable.

3. Becky Emmers
PRO: has a great rack
CON: has dated Yuri Demetris

The only thing that captivated us more than 2 Girls, 1 Cup, was 2 Girls, 1 Video Blog. No offense meant to the lovely and talented Ashley DiParlo, but the other half of the Links N'@ tandem shares the same zeitgeist as the DN. Becky Emmers has a flawless hourglass figure that's made the DN boyz avid viewers of her train-wreck segment on WTAE's Internets site, Links N'@. We're especially fond of Becky because she seems the kind of party girl who just can't pass up $1 well drinks at Matrix. N'at.

2. Danika Wukich
PRO: wears sex-me boots
CON: spins the newz for Boy Mayor

Smart, sexy, and not afraid to wear stripper heels to a press conference. Wukich was the campaign spokescandy for Boy Mayor Ravenstahl. Danika, with an ass like that, you can spin us right round all day long.

1. Sonni Abatta
PRO: stunningly gorgeous, glanced toward us in college
CON: works for Old Media in an increasingly democratized, New Media age which stresses alternative information sources and audience engagement; won't flash her viewers

No list of the Burghosphere's hottest celebs would be complete without the Pride of CMU's humanities college, Sonni Abatta. After an all-night bender, we stumble into our cold, filthy apartment to warm the cackles of these lonely hearts with your sweet visage on KDKA's morning news. Your wine-red lips and come-hither eyes speak only to Team DN. They say, "By the order of Criminal Court of Allegheny County, you may not be within 1,500 feet of Ms. Abatta."

Monday, December 17, 2007

Fat Man With His Kids and Dog ...

Merry Christmas and Happy Jewish Thing from the Huckabooms!

Sunday, December 16, 2007

Matt Drudge has typo in headline

Matt Drudge is slipping. I found this typo in a headline on his lousy news aggregator.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Friday Porn: Update Cara Behm (photo)

The Good Doctor has reservations about posting the most delectable photos of Cara Behm, the 26-year skank from Vermont who desecrated a Mt. Washington overlook with her graffiti 'tag'. Doctor Yunzer doesn't want to give Behm any more exposure than he is required to by law (Yes, people, publication of the Dee-N is mandated by Commonwealth fiat). While I agree that this (attention) whore should receive no more Internets publicity, I'm a sucker for revealing images.

Here's our fav from Cara's myspace profile.

Friday Porn: The taggable Cara Behm

The Redd Up campaign has spread to the Internets, where MySpace users helped Pittsburgh Police nab a Grandview Avenue graffiti artist. Cara Behm, 26, of Vermont, spray-painted a plaque at the famed overlook. She then posted pictures of her misdeed on her personal site. Now, Behm faces a criminal mischief charge.

The offending pictures are not accessible at MySpace. However, some other pictures posted on a MySpace homepage show a more revealing side of of Cara than her signature graffiti imprint:

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Ron Cook and Gene Collier said NO to drugs

With the Internet teeming with news of the publication of the Mitchell Steroid Report, the primary focus of news coverage has been the names of the players confirmed to have links to steroids and Human Growth Hormone:

Kevin Young, how could you? Say it ain't so, Josias Manzanillo!

Easily overlooked is Mitchell's citing of local baseball columnists across the country who sensed the taint of steroids in baseball long before Congressional investigations. None other than the Post-Gazette's Gene Collier is the first to be recognized:
In March 1992, Pittsburgh columnist Gene Collier addressed the perception that baseball was not a sport for steroids users. Collier derided the suggestion that the game of baseball “is simply too complex to be positively augmented by some injectable.”
The report goes on to recount the details of a Ron Cook column a few years later:
In a July 1996 article in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, Ron Cook analyzed the possible explanations for the season of dramatic power hitting. Among other possible reasons, Cook wrote: “There are other factors, to be sure. Hitters are bigger and stronger. (Can you say steroids, ladies and gentlemen).”
The Dee-N congratulates Collier and Cook, who have penned away for years with none of the national recognition that some of their more charismatic brethren receive. Their ability to forsee the incoming influx of performance enhancers into the national pastime is impressive. No Tribune-Review columnists are cited in the Mitchell Report, lending no credence to the rumors that steroids era was a Clintonian ploy to mask then-President Bill's Oval Office misdeeds.

S. Korean Glo-cats: Delicious, Incandescent Affronts to God's Heavenly Design

Before the Bush Administration freedomizes Iran, they may want to return their attention to the Korean peninsula where nuclear tensions seem to have tightened.

President Bush recently sent a personal letter to Kim Jong-Il, reminding him of the deadlines for nuclear disarmament that were agreed upon at the September 2005 six-party talks.

South Korea, presumably worried that Kim Jong-Il cannot be trusted, has already responded. Scientists there have cloned a glow-in-the-dark kitty cat.

Before pro stem-cell research activists demand the federal government restore funding for the lite-brite ferret, they may want to recall that South Korean scientists have a less than honest record on cloning.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

You Must Be At Least This Caliente to Ride the Gravi-whirl

We kicked its ass in 1898; now Spain's exacting her revenge where it hurts most: on the soft underbelly of our strategic funnel cake reserve.

Kennywood Park, for more than 100 years a Pittsburgh-based amusement destination for sexual predators and sexual prey alike, was sold to Parques Reunidos of Madrid on December 11 for approximately $200 million, reports the local fish wrap.

In addition to the hilarious names of its founders (F.W. Henninger and A.S. McSwigan) and the ironic year of its founding (1898 [!]), parent company Kennywood Entertainment has also been blessed with some of the most adorably inept p.r. flacks this side of Fred Thompson For President.

When asked if the park would change under the new owners, public relations director Mary Lou Rosemeyer said:

"The park's going to continue to be what it is, what we all love. We don't expect to see any changes. We don't think it's going to become a giant taco stand."

C'mon, Mary Lou. Tacos are Mexican, not Spanish. Kennywood Park is obviously doomed to become a sprawling tapas bar with a Go-Kart track circling its multiple bull fights.

Comment of the Day

This one comes from Reason's "Hit & Run" blog:

On Mike Huckabee's insane statement that "I think we ought to be out there talking about ways to reduce energy consumption and waste. And we ought to declare that we will be free of energy consumption in this country within a decade, bold as that is," commenter "Pro Libertate" responded:

Fools! Huckabee is positioning himself as the entropy candidate!

Funny AND educational. You're welcome, nerds.

Friday, December 07, 2007

Friday Porn: Nobody Puts Sonni in a Corner Edition

Sonni Abatta: impossibly attractive, Pittsburgh native, and born to dance.

Even though she totally blew us off while we were undergrads at CMU -- seriously, how many times can a person shampoo her hair in a week? -- Sonni has emplaced herself in the hearts and minds of Team DN.

That's why we find Sonni news so irresistible, such as this appearance at a celebrity dance competition to raise money for juvenile diabetes. The video features the KDKA anchor samba-ing up a storm with a yinzer Nureyev dressed up like Zorro. Jerk.

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

'Slam Dunk's to Touchdowns at the CIA

Two things spymaster-in-chief Michael Hayden loves: not torturing people and rooting for the Pittsburgh Steelers.

In between ordering the simulated drowning of American prisoners and coordinating with the NSA to intercept my Skype messages, General Hayden can be found plopped in front of the TV like the rest of Stiller Nation, reports Washington Whispers. Curious; given their black-ops play-calling methods, the DN assumed he'd be a New England Patriots kind of cat. Wrong again, GovtIssue.

Wanna Watch a Model Get Chop-Blocked?

By a snowboarder no less. Ah, random physical violence: the blogger-asshole's tonic. Enjoy, jerks:

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Serious Post of the Day: Slumlord Series

Pittsburgh area slumlords arrived en masse at City Hall yesterday in opposition to an 'anti-slumlord' bill proposed by Mayor Luke. The bill would hold the slumlord accountable for his/her noxious tenants by levying fines or criminal penalties. The slumlords plead mercy; they can't be held accountable for the behavioral dispositions of a crack-whore tenant. Hell, look at it as providing a public service. They're like the Housing Authority! Providing half-way housing between jail and rehab. They deserve a break!

Drug dealing is the landlord's problem. So are pugnacious tenants who cage-fight on the front porch, or run impromptu heroin galleries in the kitchen, or let their children vandalize the neighbors' cars. Its the landlord's problem because these are all evictable offenses. In fact, by not doing anything, the landlord is supporting this behavior.

But rather than screen tenants for police records or bad credit, rather than evict the crack-whore for disruptive behavior, rather than confront the nightmare that is their property, they cash that Section 8 rent check and turn a blind eye while their toothless crack-whore tenant gums some hood's dick in the alley behind their building... and hell, your East Liberty slum isn't within earshot of your Squirrel Hill estate, is it Bernard Sobol!

But Section 8 always pays on time.

Monday, December 03, 2007

Patience D. Isaacs and Kevin James Dixon: Mayoral Material?

They're going to have a hard time hiding this one for two years. In the most prominent Heinz Field arrest since then-Councilman Luke Ravenstahl shoved a police officer on Halloween in 2005, alleged identity thieves Patience D. Isaacs and Kevin James Dixon were apprehended at Monday's Steeler game. Acting on a tip, the FBI, along with Allegheny County Sherrifs and Steelers Security, apprehended the pair with nachos and beer in hand. The two are currently being held in the Allegheny County Jail. No information has been released regarding the fate of their unconsumed Yuengling.

Yunzer pride should be swelling today as Isaacs and Bradley chose Pittsburgh and Heinz Field as the destination for the dispensation of their alleged illicit earnings. The two put their personal freedom at risk to be, at least temporarily, a part of the Stiller Nation. In regards to the intelligence of blabbing about going to the Stiller game while on the lam, the two demonstrated that their intellect does not rise above that of the towel-waving, water-logged, beer-soaked faithful who packed the stadium last night.

The appearance of Isaacs and Dixon at Heinz Field is probably just coincidence, anyway. With warrants out for their arrests and criminal charges pending, they were more likely in town to cheer on the team that they can most identify with: the Cincinnati Bengals.

Monday Porn: Post-Rushdie Padma

We hope our reader(s) will forgive the tardiness of this post, since your humble blogger was having a beer or twelve Friday night and lapsed in his duty as resident skin merchant. Friday Porn will return to its normal slot later this week. Now then:

Padma Lakshmi, free of husband, novelist, and jihad target Salman Rushdie, is a woman on the move. She has a new cookbook or something out, hosts a show nominally about cooking, and now heats up the tabloid pages, where she is often displayed in various stages of canoodle. (Disclaimer: In New York Tabloid World, the term "canoodling" is liberally employed to mean anything from dry-fucking in public to attending the same fundraiser at the Javits Center.)

Lakshmi is one spicy bowl of fish curry, no doubt, but can she pick up the pieces of her life and turn her stunning good looks into a career richer than merely serving as arm candy for the guy who wrote "Midnight's Children"? Vanity Fair wonders here. We at the DN have our doubts. After all, can the dreadfully serious America of 2007 welcome into its popular entertainment a leggy ectomorph of exotic beauty with a history of attaching herself to famous men? The suspense is killing us!

Sunday, December 02, 2007

Bill O'Reilly and ALF: What the liberals don't want you to see

One is an inhuman creature, of unknown origin, known for clogging the airwaves and appealing to the most numb-brained Americans.

The other is ALF. (This post practically blogs itself!)

FoxNews' continuing refusal to actually report news has allowed for the comeback of the 80s TV icon. In this clip, ALF spars with Bill O'Reilly over the cancellation of his namesake sitcom and his activities over the past twenty years. O'Reilly even manages to work in a montage of pictures with ALF and FoxNews' favorite celebutard, Paris Hilton. At the end of the clip, O'Reilly states that ALF may return to FoxNews to do some punditry of his own. No word on why Bill O'Reilly and FoxNews are so accepting of an illegal alien as to invite him back to the news channel of real Americans.

As we wait for ALF to show his papers, the Dee-N proposes the following topics for future ALF commentaries:

Are there liberals on the planet Melmac?

Is Hillary Clinton an alien?

Should alien-human marriage be legalized?

Has the government done enough to protect puppets from al Qaeda?

Skybus: A Genuine, Bona fide, Electrified...

A rush hour spent crawling down McKnightmare Road or the Parkway East can transform even the most placid of Pittsburgh drivers into a violent, screaming, first base-stealing maniac. As gridlock prevails and mass transit continues to die a slow, painful death in Allegheny County, the magic of the Internets allows us to take a look back at what might have been.

The late 1960s saw the Westinghouse Corporation create the Skybus rapid-transit system. The proposed system of rubber-tired vehicles running along an elevated rail track would have been able to operate at high speed and would have had the flexibility to allow for additional cars to be deployed in periods of high demand. Like any innovative, modern idea in the Steel City, Skybus failed to materialize, as change-fearing trolley fanatics had their way, halting construction on the system. The trolley system instituted after Skybus' failure has been since replaced current Light Rail System, a (for the most part) single line crawl of workaday Yunzers in and out of the South Hills.

Decades later, the system is alternately seen as an innovative idea that was a victim of local politics and a false hope that only Lyle Lanley could have foisted upon Allegheny County. The only appearance of Skybus in Pittsburgh was a demonstration track built at the South Park fairgrounds. The Skybus technology lives on today in the form of airport people-movers. Luckily, the whimsy of the Skybus test track has been preserved on film and posted on Youtube:

Perhaps it's for the best that Skybus never materialized. After all, the Allegheny River Chunnel would be pointless without a Light Rail system for schlepping Yunzers to Heinz Field. And you can't turn down $500 million in federal money.