Monday, November 05, 2007

Make This Your Best Guy Fawkes Day Yet!


Guy Fawkes Day is once again upon us, gentle yinzers. For those of you without a subscription to The Economist, the holiday commemorates the foiling of the infamous "Gunpowder Plot" by English authorities, a scheme which allegedly targeted the British Parliament for destruction by a group of Catholic extremists and its number one bomb-thrower, Guy Fawkes. Britons typically celebrate November 5 with bonfires and smoldering effigies of the revolutionary, but this is America, a-hole; the DN always goes bigger. As a service to our reader(s), the following is a list of things you can do to mark the first victory in the 17th century's War On Terror:

1) Torch a Catholic's house. Have no fear: The papist that lives there will most likely not be home, but off counting gold in a subterranean hideaway and burning potions to appease his Roman masters.

2) Enjoy a typical English afternoon of tea, brittle food, and latently homosexual recreation.

3) Sing the Guy Fawkes Day anthem, "Nearer, My God, To Thee (But Only the Protestant Kind)."

4) Take a moment to consider the policy implications of using conventional military force to fight endless wars against stateless entities driven not by territorial conquest, but ideology. Then, invade Iran.

5) Remember that as long as we have religion people of weak character will continue to kill other people based on their interpretation of what a magic tree said 5,000 years ago.

3 comments:

Yinsurrectionary Times said...

"The only man to ever enter Parliament with honest intentions"

CapitolMAN said...

An religious act of terrorism? Can you imagine what would happen to the White House if we ever elected Elder Romney?

Yinsurrectionary Times said...

It would be well-scrubbed and wholesome, whatever it is. BYU matriculates more grads to the Eff Bee of Eye than any other learnin' factory, so the "troofers" would already have an angle.
I'd better brush up on the Prophet (PBUH) and his cosmology, which I understand to be pretty funky and original, and learn to cover my local accent with a Mid-Western one, in case the Mormons are the ones we should have been worried about.