by guest blogger and deceased US senator, Charles Sumner (R-Mass.)
Greetings from Hell! It is with prodigal enthusiasm and swollen alacrity that I write this today, dear reader.
It has come to my attention that a student from one of your lesser universities (a CSA college, doubtless) was recently thrown to the ground, roughly treated, then made to suffer a humiliating electro-zap or three from a constable's tiny lightning moto-pistol. By the dandy jowls of James Buchanan, that must have made for quite a smart! The motion-daguerreotype images alone made me skulk under my desk!
Mr. Andrew Meyer, as someone who has endured his share of politically motivated violence, let me assure you that this act of physical roughery is not as bad as it seems. Why, look at me: Before my vicious caning I was a mere radical Republican abolitionist, a political footnote. Now I am legendary; my story is re-told in countless high-school history texts and James McPherson books of dubious scholarship. In fact, Mr. Meyer, even as I was expectorating my own tongue, Congressman Brooks' heavy cane finding its fleshy target again and again, I thought to myself, Truly, this is what they will remember me for. Then I passed out.
Now you, too, belong to the ages. Mr. Meyer, from one crippled, blood-sodden thrashing victim to another, I say to you sir: Huzzah!