Friday, September 28, 2007

DN BREAKING STORY: END OF THE WORLD

It is my unpleasant duty to inform you, gentle readers of the Darn News, that the world has come to an end. Hell has apparently surfaced in Versailles, PA. It has been confirmed by multiple credible sources that the rancid smell of sulfur engulphing the Youghiogheny River town of 1,700 Heralds the End of Times. From the turbulent tintinnabulation of London's bells, to panicked mobs before Beijing's Ancient City, the people of Earth hurriedly sought intercession against the Reign of the Beast throughout the day today. Though their tearful, fervent prayers are ongoing, the faithful sense a hollow emptiness. Worried whispers among communicants speak of the Absence of God.

Yet in Versailles, PA, where the gaping mouth of Hell spews forth acrid sulfur, an eerie calm, nay, apathy, settles over the public. Whereas the faithful claim the gathering clouds portend a future of endless darkness, Cyril 'Jock' Sbpolaszcenski, on his 9 AM walk to Todd's by the Bridge, said of the coming of Satan:

"Ya know, a man's vote ain't worth a damned no more. First its the damned Lyin' Union Democrats, then the damned Lyin' rich Republicans. Gergely, then Levdansky, then Satan! All them promises, an ya know what changes? Not a Goddamn thing. "

Versailles VFD prepared for the event by stockpiling gasoline and generators. Worried firemen checked and double-checked the generators. "This sumnabitch better not cut off till after the Stillers/Cardinals this Sunday," said a man fiddling furiously with a nest of wires connecting an ancient generator to a beermeister. Yes, Versailles and the World together brace for the worst.

In this last communique, we at the Dee-N wish you peace from the coming darkness. May tomorrow find us all, hopeful, safe, and free. God Bless.

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