Yeah, yeah: We all know how effed up the South can be – concentrated poverty; literacy rates low enough to make Uzbekistan blush; down-homey racism and homophobia. But, Jesus Christ, Alaska is trying really hard to be the newest shit-splat capital of the United States, doesn’t it seem?
Which leads me to Ted “Series of Tubes” Stevens, the Senate’s longest-serving member. This completely undistinguished individual has presided over one of the most fraudulent transfers of wealth in United States history; namely, taking tax dollars from real states (like mine) and giving them to oil-soaked pretend states (like Alaska). As chairman of the Senate Appropriations Committee, Sen. Stevens spent more than six years larding every major spending bill he could with worthless pork-barrel programs designed to help a handful of privileged voters in his boring, quasi-Canadian home state.
Bridge to Nowhere, ANWR drilling, the strategic gooney bird reserve – each of these (fine, maybe not that last bit) represents the latest kind of corrupt government boondoggle which has accomplished little besides two things: the surveilling of the entire Alaskan congressional delegation by federal and state authorities, and deepening the rift between conservatives and Republicans in the rest of the country.
I am loath to close. Senator Ted Stevens does not deserve a hero’s welcome home. Please, for the sake of your reputation, Alaska, throw this grifting old fool under the bus. For years you’ve been wasting money like a New Yorker at a bagel sale and it’s getting embarrassing. Vote him out in 2008.