Thursday, July 26, 2007

Reasons Why the DN Won't Be Endorsing Fred Thompson

A "Great American" accosted Fred Thompson Wednesday morning at a Houston Airport. Seems ole' Freddy Boy ain't no true conservative cause he's a member of the Jew-lovin' Council of Foreign Relations. Freddy, dohn-cha-no, wants to bring on the New World Order.

When confronted by her shrill complaint that the Council supported the North American Union, Fred said "Don't sass me, lady." Just kidding. His exact words were: “Don’t fuss at me. You asked me a question. Let me answer it.”

Here are two reasons why we won't be endorsing Uncle Fred's "Aww Shucks" candidacy. Please stay tuned for future installments.

From Gov't Issue:
REASON #1 - TALL, DARK, AND HANDSOME
[You may have already read] the creepy reminiscences of a former flame (and current failed country music singer) and lame, Page Six-style gushing over Thompson's way with the ladies. Money quote:

"Morgan remembers encouraging Thompson to run for president when they were together. 'I think he has a great chance of capturing the women's vote. He's majestic. He's a soft, safe place to be and that could be Fred's ticket. Women love a soft place to lay and a strong pair of hands to hold us.' "


What the fuck are you talking about, lady?! Jesus, if I have to endure eight more goddamn years of "Hi, y'all!" and "We was fixin' to have supper 'round now" I am going to weep blood. America, you have a pair of Italian and Jewish nerd-workaholics vying for your attention. Fred Thompson is George Allen with a SAG card. Do the right thing.

REASON #2 - GIT - R - DONE
New York Magazine profiled Unkie Fred and his "southern fried charm." Here's your money anecdote:

After the Christian rock band Avalon performed, Thompson was introduced. He read a patriotic poem about the war, took his bows, then sat down in the audience and watched with rapt excitement as the comedian Larry the Cable Guy glided through a set. "My doctor told me I had to give up eggs," said Larry, tugging at his trucker cap. "I said, 'Why, because of my cholesterol?' He said, 'No, your farts are killing us.'"

The arena echoed with laughter. Over in his seat, Thompson slapped his thigh and gave an “It’s funny ’cause it’s true” full-body shake. He seemed to be having the time of his life. It is hard to imagine Rudy or Romney, Hillary or Barack, sitting through the set, much less soaking it all in.

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