Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Love Stinks.

In addition to obsessing over the swales and drumlins of Sarah Spain’s generous anatomy, this blog also tackles the less important stuff: the nexus between love, commerce, and existential longing, for one. Valentine’s Day is almost here, and The Darn News wishes to expose this pseudo-holiday for the corporate invention it obviously is. You’re welcome, America.

Face it, there is no justifiable rationale for participating in Valentine’s Day and its infantile rituals. Cards; roses; sugar-coated roses with a card stuck inside of them – these so-called expressions of personal fealty merely serve to enrich the fat cats at Hallmark and Hershey's and Consolidated Rosebush of North America Inc. That last one may not be real.

And another thing: love don’t exist. There, I said it. True love is a dirty trick, an idea whose time has passed; the modern individual no longer needs to suppress his or her sexual lust in order to satisfy some fake notion of public morality or private monogamy. “Life ain’t shit but bitches and money.” I think Nietzsche said that.

And so, dear blog reader, I hope you’ll join Darn News in boycotting Valentine’s Day this year. That means no candies for your sweetheart. Cellar that chilled champagne. Throw the Vermont Teddy Bear to the wolves. Rise up! Let The Darn News (plus these folks here) awaken you from your spoon-fed corporate catatonia.

The movement to end “romance” starts today. I’d join you, but I have to get back to my Match.com account. Because it feels miserable to be alone on Valentine’s Day.

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