Friday, February 09, 2007

Friday Porn: Sumthin 4 Tha Ladies

Brokeback Haggard

Like a rider on a packed elevator trying vainly to silence her cell phone’s “Smack That” ringtone before the third mention of “… till you get sore,” The Darn News can sometimes find itself in, well, embarrassing situations.

Take Reverend Ted Haggard. Please. The former president of the National Association of Evangelicals is “completely heterosexual” after undergoing a grueling, close-to-three-week therapy regimen, and is not, as this blog originally stated, “over-the-rainbow, Oscar-Wilde-in-a-cocktail-dress-and-matching-pumps super-queer.”

Turns out we totally got this one wrong, folks.
The best part of The Rev’s cure? He’s back on the meat market, sisters! (Yeah, yeah: I realize the guy’s married. Not like that made a difference before, right?) And what a catch Haggard will be for the lucky lady who lands this He-Man for modern times. Not only can he cook, but his house is spotless! He also loves antiquing, “The Notebook,” and a good, long cry. Like I said, Ted Haggard is a Robert Bly poem breathed into existence for the vicarious pleasure of all women sturdy enough to look upon this totem of hyper-masculinity without experiencing an orgasm-induced, thousand-year coma.

Godspeed, Rev. Haggard. Now that religion has drained all the gay out of you, it’s nothing but an E-Z Pass to heaven from here. From all your friends at Darn News, we deeply regret the error and wish you the best.

Nota bene: Your chest-waxing has been re-scheduled for Tuesday.

Check out Brokeback Minister at:
http://www.kingdomcenter.org/news/2006/04april/overwievkiev.htm

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