Wednesday, January 24, 2007

CMU to Ban Smoking


Foes of Smokes in Nerdburgh, Marching as to War.

Every college got its start through some benefactor with a fat checkbook looking to create "model citizens" in the 'defense of the republic,' or 'for Christ and Society,' or in CMU's case, to 'advance the Steel Industry.' In pursuit of this lofty society, the endowment is spent hiring lofty academics to train lofty protégés. If it sounds a little like “Social Engineering” or “Cloning,” you’ll forgive them for translating such ugly words into Latin before they carve it into stone.

In it's latest effort to mould our society, CMU wants to ban smoking. Not just outside, but EVERYWHERE. Per the latest fad, smoking is passe, if not totally gross! So unless it's weed, no more smoking. This ban is expected to safeguard anti-smoking students on campus, like prima-donna theatre major Caitlyn Glennon of Orlando, Florida:

“The other day, I walked out of a building here and was just met with this huge billow of smoke. I started coughing. It does affect my voice. It's very unhealthy."

More disturbing than the absurdity of someone gagging on outdoor smoke, or the insufferable spelling of Caitlyn’s name, or the fact she’d bitch about being outdoors in Pittsburgh’s shitty weather anyhow (with or without smokers), is the ulterior motive of CMU’s administration in regards to the ban.

Following the public health craze, CMU’s Social Engineers are trying to create an environment 'conducive to quitting.' What if I don’t want to quit, you ask? In a little read proposal, pro-choice smokers will be forced to wear yellow armbands embroidered with a cigarette, and live in South Oakland.

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