Thursday, December 28, 2006

Translation of Auld Lang Syne

If I don't know lyrics, I sing the notes of the song especially if it has been written by a squealing shamrock. Here's a belated story about the translation of Auld Lang Syne.

Missed connection: Empty tavern m4w 23 (Sadville)

The Squirrel Hill Cafe is a bar in Pittsburgh. It's affectionately called "the Cage" because it keeps the self-loathing hipster and nihilist junk poet safely behind bars where they belong. If you think Post Secret is a pit of irony and postmodern romanticism then you'll love Missed Connections!

wallowing interrupted by girl with red hair. - m4w - 23

Reply to:
Date: 2006-12-27, 3:52PM EST

I was at the bar, you came in looking only recently 21. Maybe you were wearing a vest, maybe not. I wish I could say the glance you offered saved me from committing suicide last night, but I wasn't intending on committing suicide. However, you must have sensed some type of aberrant personality trait because you spent the rest of your short stay sitting in a booth with your friends (one male, one female) chatting, no doubt, about how wonderful and worry free life is.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006


Jimmy Carter- Peacenik, Activist, and Jew Hating Pig! Newsletter from the AIPAC? A column by Michael Kinsey at the WashPost? Close... Correct answer is: An inconspicuous link on our esteemed blog posted by the Capitol Man!

I can't help but to comment on what was surely intended as secondary and humorous... as with all public discourse in America, simpletons like myself focus on the margins when core issues prove too complicated. And since Dana Carvey as Tom Brokaw is beyond my grasp, I'll flaunt my half-cooked assessment of the latest, most analyzed, least read book.

Jimmy Carter outraged America last month when he publicly criticized *gasp* Israel. No longer burdened by the need to seek public office, Carter took umbrage with the Israeli pastime of caging and beating an entire population of Palestinians. Carter's book apparently highlights the excesses of Israeli occupation of Palestine, from the summary demolition of Palestinian homes and the economically ruinious West Bank fence, to Benjamin Netanyahu's pesky habit of taking his wine in the skull of a Muslim baby. Pro-Israeli pundits pointed out that Carter has been pro-Islam since 1979, and this is just another chapter of his sordid dance with Islamo-Fascism!

Of course the punditocracy quickly lept to the defence of the Status Quo, because anything beyond that might require them to think about what they're saying. I mean, really, didn't like 8 Palestinians blow up the World Trade Center and shit... or was it them pesky pinko Russians up to their KGB hijinks? In the meantime, we can sleep soundly knowing that even if Israel recreated Apartheid in Palestine, we can count on the French to to be indignant on our behalf.

Gerald Ford Eaten By Wolves

Gerald Ford tragically died yesterday at the ripe age of 129. The lost generation will forever remember Ford as a former president killed off in the hilarious Dana Carvey sendup of Tom Brokaw's Summer Vacation (check out the video here).
In addition to being appointed president, Gerald Ford was a candidate, too! No one really liked him, however, because he was adopted and his wife drank too much at parties.
Despite these deplorable character flaws, little-known Broadway star Pearl Bailey believed in Jerry. Bailey was a Broadway actress made from porcelain. This reporter claims she was the prototype for Aunt Jemima.
During the 1976 election, Bailey made a personal appeal to the American public on Ford's behalf. Watch it here (bottom icon in the Rep column). With such a heart-felt endorsement from a movie star like Miss Jemima, one is left to wonder how Ford could ever lose to a anti-semite from Georgia. Oh, wait. There was that whole pardoning of Nixon thing.

Friday, December 08, 2006

Gosh, this is embarassing...

Check out the visage on this guy's pal.

From today's PG Photo Journal:
Despite temperatures in the teens, James Montgomery, of Washington, Pa., celebrates his return from active duty in Iraq, his 30th birthday and a double-digit Pittsburgh lead last night during the fourth quarter of the Steelers 27-7 victory over the Browns at Heinz Field.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Mayor Opie promises bestest prom ever!

Elect Luke Ravenstahl your class president because he's young and handsome. What more could you ask for yunzers? Check out his bitchin' campaign site here.

Steelers football rules!

Monday, December 04, 2006

Gifts meant to ruin your holiday

Happy generic/pagan celebratory season! is putting together a very special guide to giving. We'll show you how to piss in your honey's cup of holiday cheer by presenting them a thoughtless gift of impotent value!

Tomorrow, Darnnews correspondent Bonno will share with you his ideas for ruining the office Christmas party.

Saturday, December 02, 2006

From your world-weary traveler: Saturday Paranoia

It's been too long, dear reader. Since its the weekend and email is no longer instantly at our fingertips, I find it better to post today.

According to this web site I never heard of, the Muslim passengers who claimed their rights were violated by US Airways were behaving more suspiciously than initially reported. This story is culled from police reports and an email written to US Airways by a passenger named Pauline:

I'll save you the precious reading time and present the skinny.
Another passenger, not the note writer, was an Arabic speaker sitting near two of the imams in the plane’s tail. That passenger pulled a flight attendant aside, and in a whisper, translated what the men were saying. They were invoking “bin Laden” and condemning America for “killing Saddam,” according to police reports.

Meanwhile an imam seated in first class asked for a seat-belt extension, even though according to both an on-duty flight attendant and another deadheading flight attendant, he looked too thin to need one. Hours later, when the passengers were being evacuated, the seat-belt extension was found on the floor near the imam’s seat, police reports confirm.

A married couple one row behind first-class, tried to strike up a conversation with the imam seated near them. He refused to talk or even look at the woman in the eye, according to Pauline. Instead, he stood up and moved to join the other imams in the back of the plane.

All six imams had boarded together, with the first-class passengers - even though only one of them had a first-class ticket. Three had one-way tickets. Between the six men, only one had checked a bag.

One thing that no one seemed to consider at the time, perhaps due to lack of familiarity with Islamic practice, is that the men prayed both at the gate and on the plane. Observant Muslims pray only once at sundown, not twice. (Could someone verify this?)

he reaction of the remaining passengers has also gone unreported. “We applauded and cheered for the crew,” she said.