Monday, August 28, 2006

Darkness beware: Heaven's army is on the march

Children everywhere (so long as they are lilly-white, baptised, and Episcopalian apparently) can sleep easy knowing the Almighty is defending them from such evil-doers as the Boggeyman, serpents, and activist judges.

Go ahead and visit the dorkiest creation by a matronly zealot by clicking on the photo.

By the way, what's with the hand-holding? I hope our couple lives in Kansas

Let's pray that the church these children worship at does not hold sleep-overs. Else, we could be looking at WWIII.

Remember, next time you talk to your mother, thank her for simply comforting you as a child when you had that preternatural fear of the dark. She could have done this!

Friday, August 25, 2006

Friday Porn: Traumatize Your Pets in Style

Wheeeeeee!! Doesn't that look like fun? No? Well, then I guess you're not a dog-lover, because the Puppy Purse is man's best friend's new best friend. Or something like that. Anyway, now, with just a simple nylon strap and oh-so-comfortable interlocking pelvic basket, canines can enjoy the freedom of being tethered to a clumsy, unpredictable biped as it lurches its way through traffic-choked streets in search of the most expensive tin of gourmet cat snacks. At least that's what will happen in Los Angeles. Not sure if this thing would sell well on Earth, though.

Saturday, August 19, 2006

Bob Schieffer to America: You're Welcome

Genuinely hilarious clip featuring Bob Schieffer of CBS News, an adorable British astronomer, and one new and improved solar system. He just made your weekend.

Friday, August 18, 2006

Friday Porn: Kinda Like "Anaconda II," Minus the Character Development and Slick Writing

Oh my God, it's here. The day we've all been waiting for. American cinema's signal achievement following one hundred years of hopelessly mediocre film making and viewer disappointment. A moment so fraught with importance that the very act of writing about it bestows upon the critic Edmund Wilson-ish respectability. I'm talking about "Snakes on a Plane," the new viral-marketed cheese-fest courtesy of the joyless shit factory known as Hollywood, California. Joel Siegel loves it, so you know it must be "sssensational."

So go see it. Otherwise, this nerd may kill himself.

Thursday, August 17, 2006


Going for the Kim Jong-Il look, Mr. President? We approve. You are internationally rebellious. And the stilted-arm wave is brilliant. It appears that your freakishly long hand is beckoning us to cheer louder. ALL HAIL THE ALMIGHTY REBEL-IN-CHIEF!

Yo, Bolten! WTF? Seriously, dude. Your boy's got an image problem. Propping him up on a motorcycle while wearing safety goggles is almost as gay as this. Almost...

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Next Stephen King Novel Found Dead in Maine

It's a dog. C'mon, just stop it -- it's a dog.

Flip That Country

Good morning! May I have a moment of your time? I'd like to talk to you about the Middle East. Wait! Please don't walk away. I want to tell you about a unique investment opportunity available to you in Iraq. Bear with me -- I'm talking about that "other Iraq." You look like a man of taste and sophistication who likes to make money. You are? Tremendous. There's a place called Kurdistan where an investor, nay, a partner in freedom like yourself, can make all the money that the new and improved Iraq has to offer, which is a lot, by the way.

You see, while those Sunnis and Shiites were systematically dismantling any hope of democratic goverance brick by blood-slicked brick, the Kurdish people were building a whole country! A better country! With oil! And no reprisal killings. I should mention the other Iraq has very few of those, sir. Kurdistan instead offers safe streets, religious tolerance, and sweet, sweet autonomy. But no freedom of speech -- our bad. Journalists create dissension by questioning those in power, which undermines a government's legitimacy and is bad for business. So you see? No biggie.

The other Iraq wants you. We're calling you: Ring, ring. You gonna answer that or shall I? Because it's opportunity. Forget about "Iraq." You fought for the other Iraq. You shed blood and wasted billions of dollars for the privilege of occupying a Balkanized set piece. Now it's time to sit back and enjoy the spoils. These are, after all, the best years of your life, America. You've earned it.