Somewhere deep within the jungles of Malaysia a horde of hairy giants lurk unseen, stealthily eluding capture and keeping wildlife officials of the tropical southeastern Asian country on constant alert. But enough about the Armenian national basketball team's spring tour, let's talk Bigfoot.
A couple months back the government in Kuala Lumpur announced it was interested in apprehending one of the mythical monsters amid a spike in Bigfoot sightings; not for eating, as I erroneously first reported, but rather for scientific research ... and then probably eating. Naturally, biologists and other "experts" who rely on "facts" and "evidence" scoffed at the notion of an as-yet-undiscovered species of large ape inhabiting Malaysia, noting that a creature of Bigfoot's size could not possibly stay hidden for centuries. Well, guess what nerds: we got one!! Sure, the government's own Wildlife and National Parks Department denies capturing the beast; and, sure, there's no photographic record or actual proof to bolster the claim by locals that a baby Bigfoot was shot; and, sure, there would be no way for a third-party expert to actually examine the body if indeed they catch a specimen, but that's not important right now -- we finally killed a Yeti.
So, let's review. Bigfoot? Check. Brad Pitt-Angelina Jolie super baby? Real. Weapons of mass destruction in Iraq? Umm.... Quick, somebody send the Malaysian forest patrol and a guy in a monkey suit over to Baghdad!