Friday, April 21, 2006

The Bush Tapes

In 2003, the IAEA, the United Nations's nuclear watchdog, publicly announced that Iran was developing a clandestine nuclear program, thanks in part to information obtained from dissident groups exiled in Europe. Iran has denied the claim that it is working on an offensive nuclear weapon, and maintains that its research is for peaceful purposes only. Recent aggressive pronouncements by the Tehran regime would suggest otherwise, however, and the US has found itself scrambling to develop a containment policy. Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice has stated publicly that the US would use every available resource in order to defuse a possible nuclear stand-off with the Middle Eastern country located between Iraq and Afghanistan. President Bush has spoken repeatedly of a military "option" if Iran does not renounce all nuclear ambitions and submit to Security Council review. Yet, diplomacy continues and tensions remain high. Recently, The Darn News obtained a transcript of a telephone conversation between the two countries' leaders. The following is a record of that conversation, conducted on Thursday, April 20, 2006.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, president of the Islamic Republic of Iran: Hello?

George W. Bush, president of the United States: Hello, Mahmoud. George Bush here, of the United States of America.

MA: George, my main man! It’s been too long! What’s cracking, home slice?

GWB: Well, to be honest with you, Mahmoud, I’m calling ‘cause I’m a little concerned and …

MA: (sounds of loud music and laughter in the background) What? I didn’t catch that. Sorry, George, the music’s pretty loud here. Let me just close the door, OK my friend?

GWB: You go ahead, Mahmoud.

MA: (Pauses) There, that’s better. Sorry, broheim, but me and the guys were just having a party here at the palace and it can get a little bit crazy, let me tell you. (Laughs)

GWB: Ya’ll are havin’ a party down there? What’s the occasion?

MA: Oh, nothing special. It’s, um, Ahmed’s birthday. He’s 40. Yeah, big day for Ahmed, for sure. Anyway, what can I do for you, George?

GWB: Well, as I was saying, we’re all a little concerned about the recent developments in the news.

MA: Oh, totally. The Knicks want to re-sign Larry Brown as head coach? It’s like, Hello, do you even care about making the playoffs any more?

GWB: You know what I mean! I’m talking ‘bout your new-cu-ler ambitions. My country’s scared you’re gonna develop the bomb soon. Gettin’ pretty worried m’self, Mahmoud, I’m gonna admit. Heh, heh, heh.

MA: Oh, come on, man. Iran does not want a bomb; we just want nuclear power for peaceful energy purposes. Hey, even if I was really after a bomb, my country is still like five years away from building one, as far as you know.

(sound of door opening from outside and man’s voice shouting above party noise)

Man from party: Hey, Mahmoud! You’ve got to see this, my friend! Jafaari’s totally wasted and trying to ride the warhead!

MA: (yelling at partygoer) Shut the door, my friend! I’m on long distance here. (sound of door shutting) Oy, those guys have the worst timing.

GWB: What?

MA: Never mind. … So you see, George, you have nothing to worry about, dude. Take a chill pill with all this nuclear weapon stuff, OK?

GWB: Well, what about all those crazy things you’ve been saying recently about cuttin’ off the aggressor’s hand and wiping Israel off the map?

MA: What? You mean at Army Day? Come on, George, you know us. That’s just how we party, man. Army Day is harmless, just a bunch of marching and speeches about spreading the Islamic revolution to the rest of the world on the gleaming sword point of Mohammed. You would have liked it. Fall Out Boy played.

GWB: Yeah, well, what I don’t like is all this anti-Israel stuff, denying the Holocaust. You’re really scaring people, Mahmoud. They think you’re gonna launch a new-cu-ler strike against their country.

MA: Who, me? Launch a nuke against Israel? George, this is Big Mac you’re talking to here, my main man. First off, again, I don’t even know what you mean by this weapon bull jive. And second, I don’t hate Jews. I have no problem with Jews, man. I’m cool with everybody. My accountant’s Jewish, for Allah’s sake.

GWB: You’re telling me you have a Jewish accountant?

MA: Sure. You’ve met Gary: short guy, kinda bald, screwed up my refund on last year’s tax return. Remember? By the way, remind me to have his house burned to the ground.

GWB: There’s people here saying I should take you out, Mahmoud. They say you got a young population over there just waitin’ to overthrow an oppressive regime. See, I believe freedom is God’s gift to mankind. And these youngsters wanna see freedom on the march in the Middle East.

MA: We both know that’s not the case, home snack. Dude, my people don’t care about all that theoretical stuff. Just give them enough money so they can continue to buy the cool crap you Americans have, plus throw them a jihad every ten years and they’re happy with the status quo. My son watches beheadings on his IPod, for crying out loud. And besides, like I said, there’s no evidence we’re building a weapon.

(sound of door opening and loud music again filling the room)

Man’s voice: Broheim, what’s taking you so long? Hezbollah’s here and they brought Jell-O shots. Is it cool if they take a picture with the missile?

MA: (yelling at man) My friend, you are on my last nerve! I’ll be out in a minute, I already told you. (sound of door closing) And tell that fat ass Moqtada to stay off my trampoline unless he wants to buy me a new one!

MA: Look, George, I have to let you go, home snake. I have this party to get back to … for Ahmed, you know?

GWB: I understand, Mahmoud. I just wanted to call you and make sure we’re both on the same page. Because, you know, if it comes down to it, and I have to decide to use force I will. Because I’m the decider, and I decide what is best.

MA: Um, sure thing, George. …You know how dumb that sounds, right?

GWB: Just promise me, as a member of my Axis of Evil, you’ll limit your evil to strictly non-new-cu-ler activities, OK?

MA: My friend, I swear to you on the sanctity of the IAEA that Iran’s quest for a nuclear weapon has ended.

GWB: I knew you’d see it my way, Mahmoud. I can’t wait to tell Dick about this. He’ll be so proud of me.

MA: Word to your mother. Hey – still on for golf this Sunday?

GWB: Heh, heh, heh. You got it, Big Mac.

MA: It was a pleasure as always, George. I’ll say hi to Qaddafi for you. Give my love to that infidel wife and those whoring prostitute daughters of yours. Peace in the Middle East, bro.
(Laughs) Just kidding!

GWB: (Laughs)

[End of phone transcript.]

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