Thursday, March 23, 2006

Beards: Not Just For Sullen Loners Anymore

Ladies, have you noticed your boyfriend/personal cash machine sporting a little extra facial hair recently? His lack of personal hygiene might indicate a deepening sense of withdrawal from the outside world brought on by the twin stresses of work and relationships, manifesting itself in a diminishing interest in his physical appearance, and foreshadowing your future with him as one devoid of true emotional attachment, shared professional ambition, and hope. Then again, maybe he's just caught on to the latest trendy New York export: beards!

Yes, beards -- that strange, hair-like substance which clings to a guy's face on the weekends, when there's an excuse not to shave, a look beloved by both the homeless and street-walking mentally ill alike -- is now cool. The Times explains the new face fur explosion as a reaction to the metrosexual wave of a couple years ago. It seems straight men grew cold to the idea of resembling gay men almost identically. Strange. Now young professionals everywhere can don a look which screams, "Do not date me. I sleep at the bus station and probably carry a homemade knife."

From my own personal experience, I can tell you that wearing a beard, whether expertly trimmed, poorly groomed, or completely neglected, will get you laid only if: a) you are a model, b) you're rich, c) your last name is "Blitzer," or d) some combination of the above. And that's the news. Now go shave, hippie; you look terrible.

1 comment:

Celanie Polanick said...

Um...?
I think beards are hot — always have been, always will be, on almost everybody (see: my boyfriend). In fact, in my humble opinion, most people look better with 3 days' stubble than without it. Mmmm.... manly scratchiness.....ghghggggggg
What were we talking about again?