Wednesday, January 11, 2006

VOTER DISENFRANCHISEMENT

STOP THE PRESSES!!!

Pitt and Duquesne Students, who show their appreciation for their adopted City by littering South Oakland and the Southside with broken beer bottles, vomit, student-slum tenements and passed-out freshmen, WONT BE ALLOWED TO VOTE IN A COUNCIL RACE. Call the UN, The League of Pissed off Voters has issued a Press Release announcing an election is being Hijacked!

Thank God local political rock-star, Billy Peduto, will stand behind his 20 something supporters and oppose this Fascist, Republican, Communist, evil, Rick Santorum, Industro-Military Complex, partisan, Christian-Right, George Bush, MiLiTaRiStIc, Iranian, Soviet-style election manipulation! He has vowed that since this election date isnt convenient for everyone in the district, the date MUST be changed. Students too busy drinking and f**king in Cancun... as opposed to being too busy f**king and drinking in South Oakland... must be accomodated.

Fortunately, students werent about to let this issue pass quietly. Council President Ravenstahl, a 20 something dedicated to keeping the people he parties with every weekend from voting in this special election, was caught off guard. "Shit, dudes, I'm so f**kin Sorry," he stammered to the crowd of assembled students rallying for the right to vote. Protesters responded with bristling fury. "Same Sex Couples should be granted the same benefits as Everyone Else," protestor Rage Liberalstein shouted in response to Raventsahl's plea for understanding, "You F**king Christian Fascist!"

You'd think that Peduto, who got whupped by Bobby O in Oakland during the mayoral, would realize he cant count on more than 1% of the student population actually getting out the vote. Peduto dutifully continues to toe the line for a vocal minority constituency that doesnt vote... At least he'll get props from the Pittsburgh City Paper and Front Weekly.

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