Frank Caruso, 66, is the picture of bucolic life in Mt. Lebanon. Owner of a pizza shop in one of the community's quixotic boutiques along Washington Road, Caruso has been a fixture in the local business community of this wealthy suburb for decades. Residents like Caruso's pizza, and find his thick accent and poor command of English charming. How then does this shop owner, respected in the neighborhood, so successfully obscure his darker side for so long. How long has Frank Caruso been Mr. Hyde?
July 21st was a typical summer day in Mt. Lebanon: the sun shining on the white faces of those God's perverse creation chose to bless with inordinate prosperity. Children smiled and skipped along the brick-paved sidewalk, shops bustled with activity. Yet not was all well in Normalville. Behind the wheel of his car, Frank Caruso seethed with unspeakable undefinable rage. Like the Grinch and his sneer towards Whoville, like the Theodoric with a hungry eye towards a vulnerable Rome, Caruso cursed the wealth of happiness around him. He was determined to either wreck it, or have it for his own.
The angels in heav'n ceased their singing in horrified expectation as Caruso's venomous mind unleashed his plot. The wicked sinews of his evil heart pulsed in delicious expectation as Satan bade evil forth into God's creation. As Caruso pulled his car across a sidewalk, the once blue sky swirlled blood red. Horror! Caruso had blocked the sidewalk to a clutch of walking senior citizens, several would-be bicyclists, and 14 members of the US Special Olympic Wheelchair Racing Team on their final qualifying lap around the neighborhood! The churchbells of Mt. Lebanon Presbyterian hearlded the coming Armageddon: God and Man's Law on Appropriate Parkage of Transport, sacrosanct since Justinian first decreed that no chariot might unduely block passage in the narrow streets of Constantinople, has been violated.
The Mt. Lebanon Police, however, were fast to respond. They fought with Caruso, made him move his car, then pulled him over again for good measure. At the second pull-over, they declared the 66 year old man a threat, tasered the bastard and took him in.
In heav'n there was much rejoicing!
Bored Suburban Cops: 141
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