Thursday, September 15, 2005

Archbishop Joe McCarthy

Cardinal Ratzinger, flexing a love of linear authority and ideological purity first learned in his childhood days as a Hiter Youth, is turning on the church's celibate gay population with the loving Iron Fist of Christ. Still knee deep in sexual abuse allegations, and perhaps exorcizing some personal repressions of his own, the Pope made an inherently illogical leap: gay men molest boys.

The Vatican's religious KGB, styled after the effective Wahabbian Islamo-Cops in Saudi Arabia, will be monitoring activity on seminary campuses. They're looking for evidence of, "New Age and eclectic spirituality, evidence of homosexuality," and free-thinking faculty. Dogmatists are warned to... "watch out for signs of 'particular' friendships." Seminary students are encouraged to not smile at eachother, and the word Love will be replaced with either 'Appreciate' or 'Value' or some other amorphous, spiritually drained word that doesn't draw suspicion.

"For God so Loved the World, that He gave his only begotten Son, so that Whomsoever believed in him shall not perish, but have eternal life."

What's that? You queer or sumthin? Get outta here before we bust your face... in God's mercy.

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