Tuesday, August 30, 2005


I know. You're thinking, I'm on the fence here: On the one hand, I love fast-food chicken parts lightly breaded and squeezed like toothpaste into french-fry molds until they've lost both the taste and shape of earthly nourishment ... but can I possibly pay for these without benefit of a creepy ad campaign featuring a moronic blowjob gag? Well, put aside those fears, hypocrite reader, because the people who brought you this and also this now present this.

Burger King had fallen on some hard times before hiring its latest ad agency, Crispin Porter + Bogusky, to market its digusting hamburgers. The fast-food dollars were flowing to rival McDonald's, especially in the crucially lucrative breakfast sandwich market. Wendy's was scoring big with their "dollar menu" and late-night drive-through service. Even my mom was giving the King a run for his money. So BK did what any self-respecting restaurant would do when faced with such a daunting uphill battle. Did they lower prices? Expand menu choices to grab a new customer niche? How about combating the "super-size" fad with healthful salads and low-fat sandwiches? Nah, they said. Instead we'll just dress up grown men in shoulder pads and chicken masks and have them jam McNugget-like meat sticks into the mouths of febrile blondes, all to a rockin' hair-metal soundtrack! There's been some controversy surrounding the "content" of coqroq.com, of course, which Burger King has acknowledged and agreed to change. (Something to do with the Web site's photo gallery section.) They're even being sued by a crappy, over-the-hill nu-metal circus act.

But you know what? Business will probably be great for Burger King. The word-of-mouth campaign impelled this site to do exactly what it was intended to do: annoy us to the point of recognition. Not-so-heavy is the head that wears the crown.

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