Tuesday, July 26, 2005

You Pig!

In a ruling expected to infuriate animal lovers everywhere, an Indiana judge ruled a woman housing two 300lb. pigs shouldn't allow the stench of her unconventional pets to stink out her neighbors homes. Debra Fields, who lost her nose and olfactory glands in an unfortunate accident involving corn, a poorly placed shovel, and 600 pounds of hungry ham, said she "didn't smell anything," and couldn't understand her neighbors' anger. AP sources report the pigs can produce in excess of 35 pounds of solid waste and several gallons of liquid waste every day.

"I buy only the best kitty litter," argued Ms. Fields, sporting a pair of yellow, shit-stained waders on the front lawn of her suburban Hobart, Indiana home. Trudging around the moonscape of mud and piss with a coal shovel and small plastic beach-bucket, her eyes welled with tears. "I do a damned good job keeping this place clean," she said, angling a shovel-full of fluid and feces cocktail into the overflowing bucket. "I really work hard."

Neighbors looked on repulsed. "Pigs is fer eatin, not for keepin around like some kinda puppy-dog pet," said lifetime Hobart Indiana resident and next-door neighbor, Billy Joe Williams. Sporting 300lbs of his own, Williams was initially sympathetic to Fields' problems. Alluding to his own significant waste output, Williams offered a suggestion. "Issall about takin it off-site," he giggled, patting his lower abdomen. "Them poor f**ks down the 5 & 10 didn't know what hit-em. Who says don't shit where ya eat."

Fields is faced with hefty fines, but no jailterms. The future of the pigs is as of yet uncertain, but they will likely not remain at Fields' suburban home.

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