Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Drunken Kennedy Punches Santorum, Pisses on his Face

In a "Rare" showing of passion, a red-faced Ted Kennedy staggered to the front of the US Senate to deliver a scathing review of Santorum's commentary on child abuse. Puffing himself up with his characteristic self-righteous jerkiness (and a few characteristic swigs of gin), Kennedy blasted Pennsylvania's Senator for being a self-righteous jerk.

Santorum, constantly tortured by spectres and hobgoblins conjured up by his rare brand of paranoia, had little to say in response. "Bad cultures yield bad results," said the Senator from the front lawn of his McLean, Virginia home. "Places like Boston have activist judges performing abortions in the streets and church services that encourage gay sex in the pews during communion. I'd never live in a place like Boston."

Santorum does indeed isolate himself from 'Bad Cultures' in places like Boston, New York and... the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania. "I raise my family in a healthy neighborhood, full of rich, white republicans. The only Jew we allow 'round these parts is Jesus Christ," Santorum nervously chuckled. Jesus was in fact cutting the grass at his father's house down the street from Santorum's property. When questioned about the Senator's book, Jesus wiped the blood and sweat from his brow, his face contorted in puzzlement. "Santorum's book beat mine off the best seller list this week. Guess I'm going to have to get a new message," said the Son of God.

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