Monday, June 13, 2005


Allow me to reintroduce myself, bitches:

Dain P. was originally born William Sydney Porter in 1862. Accused of embezzling bank funds, he was sent to an Ohio penitentiary when he was twenty-seven, where he began to write under a pen name and sell his work for money. Shortly after moving to New York, Dain was informed that this wasn’t his life story at all, but that of famous American short-story writer O. Henry, whereupon he decided to just tell people he was born in the Bronx and leave it at that.

A shy child, Dain would often use humor to diffuse potentially embarrassing situations, and whenever possible to get out of work. He absorbed the typical habits and traits of a young man reared in an Italian-American household: misdirected anger, a clinging and text-book Oedipal relationship with his mother, and, of course, excessive body hair. At the age of fourteen Dain was sent off to a private secondary school in the leafy suburb of Katonah, NY, to learn how to be a jerk. Emerging four years later with a $70,000 diploma and an unquenchable meth habit, Dain was ready to embark upon a college career. He enrolled in Carnegie Mellon University the following fall, 1998.

Though originally intended as an ironic joke, Dain eventually changed his mind and decided to stay after he realized that Pennsylvania had no extradition treaty and everyone there was shorter than he was. Dain soon found himself drawn to the liberal arts program at CMU or, as faculty administrators liked to call it, “those adorable trivia question subjects.” He discovered also that he was quite adept at newspaper writing, which is similar to regular writing but with more lies. He quickly rose up the ranks at The Tartan, Carnegie Mellon’s student newspaper, and became forum page editor. After graduating in 2003 with a degree in social and cultural history, Dain prepared to ask himself why the fuck he just did that.

With no job prospects or marketable skills, Dain did what any person who can’t land a job in the private sector does: get into politics. Dain was soon hired as the campaign manager for Brad Grantz, and, in June 2004, moved back to Pittsburgh. Under Dain’s guidance, the campaign scored a victory for representative government by re-electing an alcoholic technocrat who slaps his wife around and considers black people dirty. Dain returned home following the campaign to resume his quiet life of protracted shouting matches with neighbors and drinking at the mall. Dain currently serves as the creative advertising director for Jamster, the cell phone applications company, and is therefore the one to blame for all those goddamn commercials. He lives with his wife Tom and their three children in New York.

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