Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Who are you Pacbell.net?

That uses Linux/Unix from California ad hits my site all the time. You should post a comment and show yourself! Maybe Dan? Show yourself!

Here's my poem with my friend Tim's comments:

The War

Solid title.

Brightly burning missiles near

Out here in the country dear

To me, “country dear” means the United States. I suspect most US readers will feel the same way. What missiles are near the US? Are our buildings on fire, or theirs? Characters and actions!

Among the buildings fire

Defense or offense the desire?

This line is clear, and good. The rest in this stanza are a little muddled.

Do we shoot or do we stand?

Do we leave the base unmanned?

These lines are successful in communicating, but I think that these questions might deserve a little more attention. This is a pretty huge conflict, and to sum it up in a couple or three rhetorical questions seems like a bit of a cop out.

Or swarm among the streets of people

Who know nothing of this evil.

Which people know nothing of which evil? I assume these people are the A-Rabs, but the would know about the evil, wouldn’t they? I guess I am just not sure what is going on.

And look into the eyes of man,

And no individual shall stand.

Total human destruction? What’s goin on?

Destroy us or them who knows the side

Only can we as us reside.

I know how you feel about rhyme, but I get the feeling that this poem could be a lot more powerful if you let that go. It seems to me that you are forcing these lines for the sake of rhyme alone, and that’s bad. To be honest, the rhyme isn’t even that great. Keep thinking of imagery, word choice, metaphor, etcetera. You can do a lot more with this poem.

1 comment:

Dan said...

Yeah, thats probably me (Dan S.)...I showed myself a while back, commenting on your "Browser Wars" post. Check it out, incredibly insightful stuff from me as usual.